Normal?

9:49am this morning is the first time I have felt “normal”(?) in a long time. My body is getting back into shape. I weighed myself at the gym. I was sure I was over two hundred pounds. I weighed 196. I still feel gross in my clothes but I don’t feel fat. I am not thinking about work right now. That is a relief. I am not anxious about down time. I streamed comedy acts and dramas all morning. The only thing of note to happen so far today is I sobbed uncontrollably in the shower for five minutes. I was thinking about the WIL. I always think about the WIL. I have a recurring thought. I imagine the WILs husband is filming a documentary. The climax is confronting me. Before the final face off I am allowed to be alone with her. We meet in a small room. I am waiting. She walks in. The door closes behind her. That scenario is seared on my soul. It is a re-enactment of the most sacred. Her entering a room. The door locking behind her. Us alone together. That is literally my heaven. When the door shuts. When we are alone. When we embrace. That is beyond any happiness I have ever felt. will ever feel. Will ever want to feel. When I was in the shower this morning I pictured us in the make believe private room. Hidden cameras filming. We stand still. Looking in each other’s eyes. Tears begin to flow. In make believe and in real life. I imagine us coming together. We embrace. I whisper how much I love her. how much I miss her. How i think about her every fucking second of every day. I tell her I can’t let her go. That I just want to die in her arms. And even if we can’t be together in this life please let me be with her in eternity. I want cameras to see it. I want the world to hear it. For so long we had a secret love. Now it is known. But the knowing has come with the worst price. God I miss her.