Connecting

7:30am I looked through the hand written journal I kept for a week in January. The writing got smaller as the week went on. January seems a long time ago. One theme stood out. the desire to be known/the desire to be anonymous. I write this publicly. Anyone can see it. I want people to see it. Yet I am terrified people will see it. I could be accepted. Or I could be rejected. Which is worse? The expectations that come with acceptance or the bile that comes with rejection? Being known brings energy. Positive and negative. I am scared of that energy. I am writing now, this exact moment, to be known. To share myself. To connect. I am almost finished writing. When that happens I will touch the little “publish” button in the top right corner. My device will vibrate and tell me the post is live. At that moment I feel satisfaction. I put my phone away. That is it. I don’t think about this post again. I don’t think about this blog for hours. Am I accomplishing anything? Do I want to accomplish anything? This is the heart of my most inner existential question… “do I act to truly succeed or to simply say I tried?” Reflexively I say “to succeed.” On so many levels I believe that. But results don’t show that. I want the “success” of being known. Of feeling the good/bad energy. Yet i am not really communicating/connecting. I am going through the motions. The only chance of salvation is that the record keeps growing. I keep posting. Maybe someday when the time comes I will be known. Simply because I wrote. Have written. And will continue to write. This blog is my only chance to truly be known at some point in history.