8:12pm just writing a night time post. Haven’t done one for a while. Haven’t really delved into thoughts or feelings for a while. But it is good. I am not feeling anxious. I am happy with life right now. Going to sleep. Getting up early you go to Orange County

5:34am The past is in the past. I am tired of only having relationships with ghosts. I look ahead. I see the future. All that exists is what is in front of me, not behind. Tomorrow I go to California to see my daughter. They have been sick so I am staying in a hotel. The circumstances are a little awkward. I am a guest in my wife’s home when I visit. If she doesn’t feel well I don’t have the ability to say, “Too bad, I am coming anyway.” I got a good price on a hotel so it is probably best.

6:00am Came back from the gym this morning around 5:24am. As I was walking toward my building I noticed a guy in work out clothes going up the steps. I didn’t recognize him but didn’t think much of it. As I got to the stairs he came back down. When I got to my door there was a “Notice of Pending Investigation” in my door jamb. I assume he put it there. It was just a business card with a case number and contact number. I don’t plan on calling it. If it was my old house and I had lived there some time I would be a little concerned. Since I have been here only three months I don’t think it is for me. But you never know. The WIL. Her husband. But putting a note in my door would be the most inefficient way to contact me. He knows my phone number. They could just call me. Stay tuned. A little drama in my life that is not work.

6:02am there is a feeling inside me. Of cherishing the time of being a chaplain in utah. It vibrates just below my heart, deep inside my trunk. When I try to (grab it? Pull it to the surface, submerge into it?) the inability to be “in” it again causes physical distress. My ribs crunch up, a scorched rock sticks in my throat. It is my favorite moment but I can never have it again. It just sits inside me. I am thankful it still exists in some way. I cry because it is gone forever.

11:54am I have operations review in five minutes. I am in control of my program. I know everything that is happening. We are successful. We grow and thrive

6:52am I am feeling raw today. My emotions are an open wound. The last two mornings I napped on the couch after my workout. The site has financial problems. Most of them caused before my time. it is exhausting trying to fix. Look at my script…vulnerable, tired, frustrated. I need to change my viewpoint. I am in charge. Strong and moving forward.

6:25am low key start to the week. I am not anxious. Work was busy yesterday. Blunted the transition to Monday. Been thinking about Utah. The start of being the chaplain.

7:30am I looked through the hand written journal I kept for a week in January. The writing got smaller as the week went on. January seems a long time ago. One theme stood out. the desire to be known/the desire to be anonymous. I write this publicly. Anyone can see it. I want people to see it. Yet I am terrified people will see it. I could be accepted. Or I could be rejected. Which is worse? The expectations that come with acceptance or the bile that comes with rejection? Being known brings energy. Positive and negative. I am scared of that energy. I am writing now, this exact moment, to be known. To share myself. To connect. I am almost finished writing. When that happens I will touch the little “publish” button in the top right corner. My device will vibrate and tell me the post is live. At that moment I feel satisfaction. I put my phone away. That is it. I don’t think about this post again. I don’t think about this blog for hours. Am I accomplishing anything? Do I want to accomplish anything? This is the heart of my most inner existential question… “do I act to truly succeed or to simply say I tried?” Reflexively I say “to succeed.” On so many levels I believe that. But results don’t show that. I want the “success” of being known. Of feeling the good/bad energy. Yet i am not really communicating/connecting. I am going through the motions. The only chance of salvation is that the record keeps growing. I keep posting. Maybe someday when the time comes I will be known. Simply because I wrote. Have written. And will continue to write. This blog is my only chance to truly be known at some point in history.

5:06pm mood = “I am still living with your ghost. Lonely and dreaming of the west coast.” everclear, Santa Monica

9:49am this morning is the first time I have felt “normal”(?) in a long time. My body is getting back into shape. I weighed myself at the gym. I was sure I was over two hundred pounds. I weighed 196. I still feel gross in my clothes but I don’t feel fat. I am not thinking about work right now. That is a relief. I am not anxious about down time. I streamed comedy acts and dramas all morning. The only thing of note to happen so far today is I sobbed uncontrollably in the shower for five minutes. I was thinking about the WIL. I always think about the WIL. I have a recurring thought. I imagine the WILs husband is filming a documentary. The climax is confronting me. Before the final face off I am allowed to be alone with her. We meet in a small room. I am waiting. She walks in. The door closes behind her. That scenario is seared on my soul. It is a re-enactment of the most sacred. Her entering a room. The door locking behind her. Us alone together. That is literally my heaven. When the door shuts. When we are alone. When we embrace. That is beyond any happiness I have ever felt. will ever feel. Will ever want to feel. When I was in the shower this morning I pictured us in the make believe private room. Hidden cameras filming. We stand still. Looking in each other’s eyes. Tears begin to flow. In make believe and in real life. I imagine us coming together. We embrace. I whisper how much I love her. how much I miss her. How i think about her every fucking second of every day. I tell her I can’t let her go. That I just want to die in her arms. And even if we can’t be together in this life please let me be with her in eternity. I want cameras to see it. I want the world to hear it. For so long we had a secret love. Now it is known. But the knowing has come with the worst price. God I miss her.