6:09am sitting at my dining table. We only have today. This moment. Last night I truly embraced the moment. I wasn’t thinking far ahead or dwelling on the past. I was enjoying the evening. What will come will come. On the walk this morning I realize when I go back to see my daughter that is me living in Dana Point. I don’t have to say I left. Or I failed. Or moved. In that moment I am home.

6:02pm my tv is now set up almost three months after moving in. I feel more settled. Less transient.

7:14am I no longer believe I have the tools for success. By success I mean generate business, revenue, sales. WAIT- that is not true. I can’t magically produce success on my own. I have been a part of successful teams before. I am committed. I am passionate and present. I worry I will be punished or fired because I cannot turn the ship. I am sick of worry.

“…within ourselves there are voices by night which are not heard by day…The guilt of past days and night stands up and begins to speak to us. And our pillow becomes a stone on which we can find no rest.” Helmut Thielicke, out of the depths, pg 60

5:36am where is the energy for success? A woman I knew back in Orange County opened a home care business. Private pay. She didn’t want to open a home care business. She was starting a home health company. the process was slow. in the interim she opened the home care. Her business grew quickly. It was easy to see why. feel why. Her energy was gravitational. She wasn’t a marketer. She wasn’t a businesswoman. She was a nurse.

I work with another woman who is the same way. She instinctively finds success. she isn’t driven by money. She isn’t a salesperson. Her actions simply add up to what most people try to achieve and fail.

I have worked with a number of people that have that ability. I am envious of them. I can see the playing field laid out for me. I can see multiple paths to success. Yet when it comes time for action I fail. I get many jobs that are numbers focused. Like sales. I am not good at purely driving numbers like my friend in Orange County or my employee. I wish I was. I got many jobs because people thought I was. But I was mostly good at selling myself. In operations I have more possibilities. I can make numbers in ways other than straight growth. I can manage expenses. Control costs. I am not an all star salesperson but I can be an all star operator.

7:13pm I want to write but I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I want to grow. Thrive.

10:02am when I am challenged I step up.

Disclaimer: in the past I gave up. My energy has changed

5:15am I haven’t been in Phoenix three months. My mind is relaxed. My energy is wide open and flowing.

Side note: I was feeling tired and stressed. But when I come here to post I check myself. I change my viewpoint. I use positive language. however as I type my energy is trying to make me stop. Some part of me wants to unleash my thoughts. Rush around mentally until I crash into a stress wall. Then I have to unjam my emotions from the cluster of garbage I feel.

7:17pm home. Things picked up at work. A call came in 3 minutes to five. Talked with a nurse at the hospital, then a family member. Sent out a detailed email. Good to be busy. We are still discharging patients faster than admitting. Frustrating. Not patients dying mind you. Live discharges. The good news is the patients aren’t expected to die soon. The bad news is this site was unethical or lax prior to my tenure. Now we have to pull services from families and patients. They don’t understand why. they feel abandoned.

4:23pm I am bored at work. I can’t think of anything to say. My mind is trying to be nostalgic. But I don’t want to type or own that energy.