1:10pm the ability to win people over. Win.

8:43am I am extremely lucky. I opened a box I was putting in my closet. I found three things I was searching for. I found the paperwork I was looking for in another place. I am on a roll…

6:34am making a point to not dwell on unproductive emotions. Focusing on paying down debt. I went through my car purchase paperwork. The vehicle was never registered in California. I have to take care of that. Probably need to change my drivers license as well.

6:51pm back home. More focused at work today. Stayed in the moment. Stayed present in relationships/interactions. Not trying to come home and be alone but engaged in the time I was with people.

7:44am in my office at work. what is excellence? When I was the chaplain I was validated by the number of patients the organization served. That desire to care for as many people as possible drew me to sales. In operations I still seek validation through number of patients. I am passionate. I am focused. All my energy is directed toward that goal. Yet it is not working. The number of patients we serve is down. It is like being a football coach. The goal is to win games. have one goal. Every coach has the same expectation . Some are successful, some are not. I have failed to “win” so many times. I have had so many jobs. I keep trying. I am tired of “trying”. I want to succeed

I am still contemplating the idea of being known, having an audience. Every relationship I have is for myself. To entertain me. I am the only audience I consider. Interactions with other people are trinkets I take back to my isolated cave. I relive them. I cherish or resent them. I endure them. They are scenes that get reviewed when I have time.

I am home, getting ready for work. I am enjoying my thoughts about life. I look at the clock. I have to shower. I brace myself. I will be at work for ten hours. The feeling is like going to the gym to do intense cardio. I need to do it, I want to do it. It will be exhausting. But the payoff will be valuable. With work the payoff is money, interactions, getting to be a leader, identity. With cardio it is feeling and looking better

5:59am I inhabit the world I create. My feelings are inspired by my interpretation of events. The news I enjoy reading almost exclusively comes from utah. The salt lake tribune, the standard examiner, city weekly, slug. There is that world and there is my world. My job. My family. My finances. My home. I create a world I live in. A world others can enter. I create a domain. A space.

4:32pm looked up flights, hotels, rental car like I used to before last year. Before things ended with the WIL. Before pandemic, lock down hell. I always thought it was a matter of time before things got better for the WIL and I. We would see each other more often. Spend more time together. Go on trips. Have adventures. No matter what we would always have each otherTurns out I was wrong. October of 2019 was a fun time together. Probably best I didn’t know it would be the last time I would see her.

8:45am I have tried many things in my life. I have failed often. I have been resilient. What do I want to try next?

7:59am I spent my whole life pretending I was famous. Or wishing I was famous. Trying seemed too hard.

Why does everyone want to be famous anyway?