Dream

12:19am I had a dream I was with the WIL’s family. Spending time with them at a large gathering. Playing with the boys. Even her husband was there. It felt awkward. Yet it was accepted I was now part of the family. The WIL was there but she could not or would not talk to me. I just played with the boys while everyone watched.

At work my attitude is 100%. My passion is 100%. My commitment is 100%. My effort is 100%. I am all in. This job is my soul focus in life. Yet year over year We are tracking lower than last year. When they had no consistent leadership. In the middle of lockdown.

Monday

7:35am slept in. Didn’t go for a walk or workout. Wearing a new shirt from the subscription service. It feels too young a style for me. Probably is. But better than old tired dress shoes, dress pants, dress shirt. It is a Monday. I accept the suck of the day. Makes the enjoyment of the week and the beginning of the weekend better. just part of life to endure.

Thinking of my brother this morning. “She talks to angels” by the black crowes was on the radio. We drove around and listened to that album when we went to school in Nebraska together. May makes me think of the end of semesters in college. Loading up my car, driving across Nebraska and wyoming to get home so I could see my friends. Deliver pizzas over the summer. Good memories

Evening

7:21pm got in at 4pm. Was tempted to drink. Are a little, laid down briefly. The feeling passed. Did a couple loads of laundry, ironed. Put the decorative license plate in my truck. Got a call from work. Had to run into the office and check something for a nurse. Glad I wasn’t drunk. Going to brush my teeth and go to sleep.

Reacclimatizing

7:17am I don’t mind being in Arizona. Working the job I have. Being busy. I feel fortunate to have the opportunity and mindset.

What is hard for me is the process of reacclimatizing from the weekend do the workweek. Even when there is no pressure the process is exhausting.

Quote

7:03am “…I am not really looking for my performance to accomplish anything for the audience because I don’t necessarily do it for them…I just share where I am presently at or what I am going through and hope to bring awareness to something that resonates.”JordiRoc, social activist/dancer. “Bold and Beautiful: JordiRoc” Slugmag.com April 26, 2021

Word source

6:31am woke up and went for a walk on a steep hill. Parked in the same spot I did two weeks ago but walked down to the trail head. I couldn’t tell if it was completely closed or opened to pedestrians. I decided to just keep walking down the sidewalk. The hill is incredibly steep. The walk back up taxed my legs, heart and lungs. That is good. I need more cardio.

A lot of thoughts in my head. Nothing deep or profound. I need to keep my time occupied so I don’t slip into bad habits. I can’t control things so I just stress myself trying.

Last night when I was falling asleep I thought about thinking. I “think” in words. But I don’t see them. I don’t hear them. I experience them through a sense beyond any of the five senses. Am I producing those words? They are what I am typing now. Words are coming from someplace inside me. I am producing a record of them. It is fragmented. Incomplete. But that is what the past 100+ days have been about. Working under the assumption the “word source” needs to be mined for content. That it needs to be pulled into the world and translated in a way that other people can experience it through the known sense of seeing or hearing. That they can feel something because they experienced these words. That perhaps it stirs something in them to mine their own word source. And they are compelled to share.

Night

9:07pm took daughter and friend to outdoor mall. Then back to the other mall. Then had sushi for dinner. Long but fun day. Now back at wife and daughters house. Going to watch movies. Fall asleep and call it a day.

Afternoon

4:15pm went to one mall with my daughter. Picking up a friend. Going to another mall to get clothes. It is fun to be busy. To see my daughter excited. We have a good time hanging out. Pizza for lunch, a couple stores. Some dessert. Ready for round two…