Month: June 2021

A year

6:12am the first part of a year is harder. There are no big holidays. Planned breaks. It is six months of slogging through relative weeks. The second half is the year is better. Summer is in full motion. It starts with a good holiday.there is Labor Day, the cool air of fall, the build up to Halloween. After Halloween it is a short time until thanksgiving. Then it is coasting until Christmas and New Years. Making it through the first half of the year feels like a victory.

Moments

6:05am this week is a moment with my family. This year, Arizona, is a moment. It won’t last forever. I don’t want it to last a long time. The first half of 2021 was getting out here, getting my life in place. Now the next half is living the experience. The past is gone. On Thursday I work for a new company. I got change without even having to look for it. I am dialed in for six months.

Be present

5:42am this week is a moment. Something that I looked forward to for a long time. My family with me for a whole week. I want to enjoy this time. Stay in the moment. Four years ago I pictured a perfect scenario with the WIL. A Sunday afternoon in the fall, us together. Having drinks, making love, holding each other, laughing. Not too long after I envisioned the scenario the opportunity fell into place. I was going to be in utah on a Sunday in September and she was able to get away for a couple hours. I was so excited. I went to the gym, worked out, showered. However as I got ready a funny thing happened. My mind started to wander. I began thinking about the things I had to do the following week. It was bizarre. I was literally in my ideal scenario with the person I love and I was not staying present. I wasn’t in the moment. I quickly saw the absurdity. But only because the events of the day were so aligned with my fantasy. If not I might never had noticed my mistake. I learned my lesson that day. Don’t waste a cherished experience by not being fully present in the moment.

At the pool

4:03pm brought the girls to the swimming pool at the complex. It is hot. I am sitting in the shade and sweating. We have been here an hour. They were getting a little crazy in the apartment. Good for them to work off energy. Good for me to get out of the house. Even sitting here feeling anxious is better than sitting in the apartment cycling over nothing.

Sunday Afternoon

1:16pm family is here. They arrived a quarter before 10am. We went and got drive thru breakfast then went to the grocery store. The heat was already well over 100 degrees by the time we got back home. Now my wife is taking a nap in the back bedroom. The girls are watching a movie. Life feels good. Yet I have anxiety. Nothing is causing it. It is just a constant feeling. If I meditate and focus I can imagine I am in a time share or hotel room. We are on vacation. When I think about that I can remember what it felt like to be alive. To feel highs and lows. These days my emotions are ground down. I sometimes feel frustrated but seldom feel contentment.

People pleaser

8:39am I am a people pleaser. I want people to be happy. I will tell them what they want to hear. That tendency hurts me. I need to under promise, over deliver. Point out the problems we are having. Then when we succeed it is a pleasant surprise. Side note: at work I have been trying to gloss over problems, not bad mouth people, promise big results. I set myself up to look bad. I need “play the game” better.