Disappointment

10:55am I went back and read old posts. One of them mentioned how I wanted to do good at this job. Help my boss be successful. I also said I was afraid I would fail and disappoint. Four months later I feel I have. Census is down. Revenue is down. Confidence is lost. There are factors beyond me but I still am responsible. I failed

results scorecard

6:19am Saturday. Achieving goals are difficult. Making money, hitting budget. Similar to baseball if i get a positive result 3 out of 10 times I consider that a success. I have looked back at my career since end of 2009/beginning of 2010. First job since being a chaplain sales. I was successful and got results. But it was more from the team around me than me. Second job, executive director. Did not get results. Third job director of sales. Got results. fourth job, vice president of sales. a wash. The census and revenue went down but I don’t own it. Fifth job, marketing director. Got results because had good team. sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth jobs didn’t get results but tough situations. 10 job. true start up. Got results I am proud of but did not achieve volume or consistency. 11 job, executive director. Got results. 12 job. not getting results. My own personal scorecard. 6 out of 12 situations I got positive results.

Justified

5:46am A lot of energy goes into lamenting who I am not. I mourn the person I failed to become. I wonder about the paths I did not travel. I feel I have to prove I made right choices. That arriving here and now was the best outcome. I spend a lot of time in these posts trying to improve. Change my attitude, my approach. I believe if I achieve quantifiable results in tenure, money, census I will justified

Nouwen quote on loneliness

5:39am “Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief.” The Wounded Healer, Nouwen pg 84

Next week

4:10pm I don’t miss the past any more. It is too far removed. I just look forward. This week coming up is big. Survey readiness. Changing company. My daughter coming to stay for the week.

Inner person

7:55am the inner person is vibrant, confident, deep thinking. He has a million thoughts, hopes and dreams. The outer me is shallow. He goes to bed alone. He wakes up alone. He seldom interacts with anyone or shares a thought before arriving at work. He does not have deep conversations with people. No one knows his hopes, dreams, ideas, plans. Only I know the inner me. My most intimate relationship will always be with a voice inside my head.

Friday

6:13am I am the captain. I do not focus on despair, fear or counting days. I am paid to deal with problems that naturally occur in business. I am successful. I am dedicated.

Tmi

8:13pm I didn’t sit in my office chair very often today at work. The constipation was a little better. Sitting in the chair + Arizona heat is too much. Side note: work SUCKS. Not for usual reasons like previous nine jobs. I am sick of the ineptitude of my team and the entitlement of our referral sources. I need a vacation

Stay focused

10:48am stay focused. Confident. Assured. Positive. Captain. Leader. Champion

Mortality

5:27am Thursday. I don’t know if I can be honest. Weird post: I am dealing with constipation. It has been a week. It scares me. My dad died of a bowel obstruction. I am feeling mortal