Month: June 2021

Palm desert

9:31am made it to palm desert. Enjoying the drive. Memories of being a sales leader for skilled nursing. I realize I don’t say much about that. The memories are not on par with being the chaplain but it is the second most valued work experience. I traveled around California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona. Also went to Ohio, Michigan, Washington, Colorado for that job. Palm desert was one of my buildings. I stayed here often. Feels comfortable.

First time

1:43am this is my first time truly leading a hospice operation. I have been around hospice for over 20 years. I have been a director before. I am know what it takes to be successful. What good care looks like. but this is the first time I am in control. When I was the chaplain or in sales I didn’t control clinical services. The first time I was a director I wasn’t engaged. The second time I didn’t have time to get settled. I am in control. I expect excellence from people who represent me. I do not give up.

Shift

1:29am I use positive language. Shift focus. True voice. Side note: staying in true voice means not talking in future tense “I need to do…” or “I have to change…” true voice also means not getting stuck in observations. “I always…” or “when ________ happens I ______.” There is a rough patch at work. Frustration with my teams performance. I am falling into familiar feelings. I am saying familiar things. And I am doing exactly what I said not too! (Future change and observation) I am shifting now…I am the captain. I am the coach. I hold people accountable. I improve performance. I raise expectations. I am a leader. I win.

Imaginary audience

4:35pm at the office. I realize I have an imaginary audience so I don’t feel isolated. I figured changing my mindset to a “real” audience would eliminate the need for imaginary friends. but I am not always around people. And they don’t always care what I think. With my audience I have a group of people I can share my thoughts with. That keep me company. Care about what I am doing.

Crumbling

11:38pm Wednesday night in bed. The facade/image I crafted has crumbled. I am still the captain. But a large swath of self identity tastes sour. I envisioned myself a respected resource. I feel like a naive fool. I envisioned myself focused. I feels disjointed. I envisioned myself as trusted. I feel disrespected. Ironically it is complaints about other people’s behavior that destroyed me. That didn’t do their job well but I am taking it all on me. I am owning it. I am crumbling while they stupidly blindly fuck up and just float on. I am at the familiar crossroads. I want to give up. Admit defeat. It is easier than staying. Than trying to fix. I just flit. Run off to the next thing. Note: My energy is turning, getting on top of my feelings. Getting my strength back. I want to succeed. But the counter side of me wants to fail/run away. There is an emotional battle in my chest/heart/gut