Month: July 2021

Family left

6:56am my family left Arizona to go back to Orange County. They got on the road at 5am. I went for a walk after they pulled out. Then I went and worked out, came back to the apartment, made a cup of coffee and cleaned up a little. I miss having them here. There is the feeling of two apartments. When they are here the apartment is filled with energy, bodies and stuff. The girls are playing games, watching videos and ready for adventure. When they are gone the apartment is empty, quiet and depressing.

Denver

8:38am I got a call from the recruiter for that job I applied for this morning. It is in Denver. An executive director role like I am doing now. No much career growth. The salary is higher. I am a little concerned how easy I could pack up and move to Colorado. I don’t want to. But I am beginning to doubt this jobs viability.

Balance

2:02pm I am back in my office in south Phoenix. I went home for lunch. Now I am trying to finish up some tasks. My daughter and her friend want to go to a movie this afternoon. I am going to leave an hour and a half early to take them. I want to enjoy time with them. Tonight is the last night this trip. They leave first thing in the morning. It is important I focus on being present when I am at work and also when I am hone. I struggle with multi tasking. I can concentrate on work or on family but it is hard to do both. I am sure that is the case for most people.

Work again

12:10pm in my office. Writing another post about work. Of course. The meeting at the coffee shop went alright. I appreciate the nurse sharing her perceptions. I made some changes in the reporting structure to mitigate the issues. The changes will be beneficial but they will hurt the pride of some other employees. I did what had to be done. I need to control the situation. I have felt a sense of peace since I looked for jobs this morning. In a way it made this job feel brand new. Which revitalized me. Four hours later I am drained. But it was nice to have reprieve. I have felt peace a couple of times in the last two days. I don’t get to feel that tension release often.

Self assessment

8:27am in my office at work. I was talking to myself on the walk this morning. A couple of realizations. 1. I don’t know if I loved being a chaplain because of the work or because I had stability. 2. I don’t know if I liked the job of being a chaplain or that I could excel only working part time. 3. I have had opportunities to go back to being a chaplain. If I really want it why haven’t I made the change?

Tired of work

6:55am I am tired of thinking about and writing about work. I looked at other jobs and even applied for one today. I had another nurse call off. That means Three of four triage nurses are out. My clinical director is out. Another nurse turned in her resignation yesterday. I have never seen a program meltdown like this.

Thursday evening

6:07pm sitting at the dining room table eating ice cream. My wife is watching a show online. The girls are playing a game. The dog just finished her dinner. 6:16pm as I wrote that the dog was acting suspicious . I took her out to go to the bathroom. Today was a wonderful day. We went to the activity center then ate lunch. After that we went back to the activity center and hung out for another hour and half. It felt so good to be out of the office. To not be doing the usual work routine. I knew I was stressed but I didn’t realize how much until I broke free.

Writing

9:36am We are getting ready to leave for the activity center. It should be a fun time. Right now I am thinking about the creative pursuit of writing and what I do for work. I have come up with a new perspective. In the summer of 2002, well before my daughter was born, my wife and I moved to Valencia, California from Evanston, Wyoming. My wife kept her corporate position but I quit my job as a religious consultant for the state of Wyoming. We moved so I could be an actor and my wife could be closer to family. It was a rash adventurous decision we made as newlyweds who were sure we could conquer the world. The move was not free of tension. My wife was supportive but skeptical. While she looked forward to spending time with her sisters she wasn’t sure of my new plan for work. But I was confident. I envisioned myself auditioning for parts and easily getting jobs to pay my share of the bills. As soon as I got to California I began submitting headshots. I auditioned for some student films and got some parts but not nothing else. By the fall I realized I had neither the drive nor the talent to be a successful actor. I wasn’t terribly heartbroken. I tried and it didn’t work out. I accepted the failure but was left with a creative void. I needed to find a new pursuit. 3:09pm hanging out at the activity center, picking up where I left off. I decided I was going to be a writer. It wasn’t too much of a reach. Starting years earlier in seminary I had written some stories and started a novel. In fact I had just finished an autobiography of my youth titled “The Journey and the Destination.” In the moment I was happy. Writing was my new identity. This is noteworthy because it was during what I consider the most vibrant period of my life i.e. the time I was a hospice chaplain. In reality being a hospice chaplain was not my career choice. It was the job I did to support myself while I wrote. I loved being a chaplain. I cherish the time but I identified as a writer more than a chaplain. Just saying that reduces my anxiety. It changes how I approach work and purpose. For so long I have viewed my situation as facing a choice between sales/operations or being a chaplain. In reality I am facing a choice between sales/operations and writing. I know who I am, what I want to be. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. I simply realize I can’t expect writing to produce sustainable income. So the question I ask is, “What do I want to do to support myself while I write?”