In my head

12:24pm do I care about anything other than what is happening inside my head? I am the most self-absorbed person in the world. Not egotistical, just inward focused. Take the WIL for example. I have written about her, thought about her many times. She exists in my mind a certain way. But I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. At work I have all these plans to grow census but I seldom interact with the people who could give me business. I am delusional. I believe what I do and say in my mind is real. Yet it doesn’t translate to real world interactions. I have no relationship with the woman I love and with the people that could give me success. No wonder I am losing my mind.

Bill Plaschke

I read Bill Plaschke’s writing in the Los Angeles Times. He has written so long he has a certain style. A cadence that draws me in. I was thinking about that this morning. The craft of writing. Of interacting with an audience. providing something of value.

Trying to have it all

5:57am the first time I felt panic was in 2006. I overextended myself at work and started my MBA. I had too much going on. I tried to find peace by resolving every issue that caused stress. I failed. There was always something to solve. I couldn’t relax. I feel the same now. I keep try to find a way to make everything alright. There is never going to be that moment. This is as close as I will get. Today I will not try and solve everything. I will just be present.

Relax

5:47am I am relaxed. I am enjoying the moment. I am present. Tomorrow can wait. Today is a perfect, beautiful, simple time. I savor it.

Real me

8:19am I can’t change who I am. I sell myself as a good salesperson or director. I hang around until I am exposed. I move on to the next job. I hate failing. I don’t like letting people down. I am what I am.

Live inside my head

5:13pm I have spent my entire life burrowing deep inside my head. The only company I keep is my own. I haven’t driven census. I haven’t driven revenue. My response is to pout. Think about it. But not change the situation. No amount of positive self-talk is going to save me. I need to get moving

Tired

2:56pm the company transition is complete. The mock survey team has left. Census is still down. I am exhausted. I need to rest and regroup

Time together with my daughter

6:37am last night my daughter expressed dismay that it was Wednesday. She felt the week was going too fast, implying she didn’t want her time in Arizona to end. That little exchange made me happy. She is enjoying being here. In the apartment, in Arizona, with me. That is all that matters in the world.

Nice guys finish last, Green Day

“Nice guys finish last, you’re running out of gas, your sympathy will get you left behind” Green Day, nice guys finish last, nimrod

Focus

6:09am writing these posts, thinking about publishing them. Focus. Singular theme(s) greatness is achieved by staying focused