Month: July 2021

More than a feeling

9:44am Wednesday. I had to run out to a community this morning to get a revocation form signed for a hospice patient that chose to go to the hospital. After I got the form signed I drove home Instead of going back to the office. I made myself a bowl of sugar cereal. Cereal seems such an odd concept. Sugary crispy ground up corn with milk poured over it. It tasted good. Just seems odd at the moment. This morning driving to work I bawled my eyes out. Not eyes slightly watering. True tears running down my cheeks sobbing bawling. I had been thinking all morning about quitting my job, becoming a PRN chaplain. Doing what I love instead of stressing all the time. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to blow the day off, go for a drive, watch a movie. Write something. But left for work at my usual time and took my usual route. Halfway there the song More Than a Feeling by the band Boston came on the radio. After the morning I had I set myself up to be emotionally vulnerable. The lyrics of the song coupled with the memories associated with hearing it hit me hard. I could not stop crying. I had a hard time concentrating on the road. I drove the rest of the way singing and wiping tears off my cheek. I got to the office about ten minutes to 8am and took a minute to compose myself. When I felt better I grabbed my bag, locked my car up and walked in. I am not crying any more I feel haunted by memories. “So many people have come and gone. Their faces fade as the years go by. Yet I still recall as I wander on. As clear as the sun in the summer sky.”

Consistent and persistent

6:05am I know this sounds like motivational material but it is not. It is an observation. Having been in sales and operations for 12 years I can tell you what I think is the key to success. The key to “success”-no matter how you define it-is consistency and persistence. I do not mean a talent worked on. You can’t get better at them. You can’t develop them. If you have to try to be more consistent or persistent you have already lost. Consistency and persistence come from within. They exist on a base level. They are mindless drivers of action. Consistency and persistence are the elusive traits so many sales leaders look for when hiring talent. But you don’t know if someone truly has consistency and persistence until they are in a situation when they are needed to persevere.

Outside my emotions

5:48am Wednesday morning, in the apartment in chandler. My routine has been consistent lately. Get up at 4am. Go for a walk. Go workout. Come home. Have a protein bar and some water. Make a cup of coffee. Watch the weather. This morning I watched the highlights of the basketball championship from last night. Today is a rare day where I have perspective. I am in the moment with all of its joy and stress. I am not working toward something better. I don’t believe there is a measurable “better” life. Rather there are things that make me happy, things that make me sad and things that cause me stress. They all swirl through my mind. Occupying my thoughts. To deal with the sad and stressful parts I escape into memories of the past. Or i scheme for a different future. On some emotional levels I allow myself to believe the future is better. Or the past was better. But logically I know that isn’t the case. I probably can say that because I am not overwhelmed by stress at the moment. I am not sad. And I am not overjoyed. I am outside my emotions looking at my life. Such an interesting place to be.

Check in

11:20pm Tuesday night. Lying in bed. I Went to sleep early. Got up about an hour ago to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind is working. Thinking about alcohol, sex, love, pleasure, work. The slate is wiped clean. I am resetting my beliefs. When neurons fire I attach thoughts. The thoughts attach to feelings. They become a pair. I feel something, I think something. I never change the combination. Over time they might evolve. But seldom consciously change. Today made me realize I need to consciously let go of the WIL. I no longer give my most valuable energy to her. She is gone. She has moved on. I accept that. I let her go as well. I have the ability to be intimate. I am able to fall in love. The most valuable part of me can be given to someone else.

The high

4:40pm in my office. South Phoenix. I spent the afternoon talking with my staff about kids, what they were like at school, ideas for marketing. I am just killing time until the day ends. I have been messed up since listening to the voicemail from the WIL. She was human heroin. I miss the feeling of being loved by her. When she texted me or we talked it took happiness to another level. There is nothing that replaces that. I accept that she is gone. I just missing getting that high.

Relief

2:01pm In my office. South phoenix. Ops review is complete. It went well. as well as things can go when the numbers don’t look good. It is a relief to have it behind me. Now the hard work of getting things done so I don’t have to have another bad month to explain

Last voicemail

5:43am Tuesday morning. Sitting on my couch. Chandler. For a while the voicemail feature on my phone was not working properly. I could call and check messages but I could not see the history. I didn’t know how many messages I had or how far back they went. Not too long ago the feature started working again. I could see the messages. So I scrolled down and realized I had the last voicemail from the WIL. She left it for me almost a year and a half ago, the day after her husband found out about us. I have known it is there for a couple of weeks but I chose not to listen to it. The thought of hearing her voice and reliving the moment felt traumatic. However this morning a thought nagged at me. Was she waiting for me to contact her? Was she sad and confused I haven’t reached out? I had mulled this over many times in the last year and a half and always came to the conclusion it is not my place to take the imitative. When my wife found out about us it was up to me to make sure the coast was clear and we could at least talk. Still I wanted to be absolutely sure there was no question I should wait to hear from her first. I decided to risk the emotional pain and listen to the voicemail. I put the voicemail on play and heard her voice. She explained how the situation was fraught. That there was a “mirroring” app on her phone, a gps on her car. That she had to get tested for std’s and was going to be excommunicated from her church. . The message went on for almost two minutes. Finally she said good bye. it was the last time I ever heard from her. The next day she tried to call me when I was in a meeting. She didn’t leave a voicemail but texted me and asked if I could talk. I said “yes.” She never replied to that text or tried calling again. It has been over 500 days now. I realize She is gone. That I will probably never talk to her again. But the fire is never totally extinguished. So many years so many memories. Hopes, dreams, feelings came to end with a frantic last goodbye. “I promise I will contact you as soon as I can but please don’t text or call my phone because he will know and it just makes things really bad so…okay…I love you…Bye.”

Close out

7:44pm Monday evening. Lying in bed. I got home from work about a quarter to six. Changed clothes, took out my contacts, fed my fish then ate dinner. I watched the weather, some sports, comedy and a travel show. Called my mom. I tried to call my daughter but her phone went straight to voicemail. She seldom has her phone charged and keeps her ringer off. I tried calling my wife but she didn’t answer either. I will try again in the morning. I have better luck getting a hold of them then.

Chaplain and hairdresser

3:17pm I’m my office in south Phoenix. Listening to music. I wonder what my wife would say if I proposed we move to a small town? I would get a job as a hospice chaplain with good health benefits and she could work as a cosmetologist. I have my Mdiv. She has her license. She cut our daughters hair yesterday. She also cut and colored our daughters friends hair. And she cut my hair. So many years ago, years before our daughter was born, before the WIL, that was the plan. We were going to live our dreams. I wanted to write and work as a chaplain. She just wanted to style hair. Maybe we lost our way. Perhaps now is the time to get back on track