Month: July 2021

Highlights negative

12:56pm the worst thing about the ending of the relationship with the WIL is how it highlights the negative. There was so much happiness and beauty. For years she filled me with absolute joy. the highest highs of my life are memories of her. Not even close. But now all I can feel is sadness. Remember the pulling away. The silence. I know the beauty still existed. But the painful loss has overcome my ability to recall it easily

The last time

12:35pm the last time the WIL and I were physically together she asked me if I had been with someone else. She asked out of curiosity. Not anger not accusing. That she would ask me broke my heart. I interpreted it that she wanted to confess she had been with someone and wanted to feel better thinking I had as well. The truth is I had been with a couple of other people at that time. Nothing serious. A couple of random hook ups. But I said no. I professed my purity. It sounded fake even to me. But I couldn’t have that conversation with her. Even though my body had been with someone else my heart and soul had not. That is still the case two years later. It is frustrating. I accept the WIL is gone. I accept she has moved on. I want to move on but still feel twisted up. I can’t be intimate, I can’t date because that emotional connection is still with her. I feel like I gave her a gift I can’t get back. And though she doesn’t care for it and I need it she still keeps it. She hasn’t felt the need to reach out to me for physical or emotional comfort in over a year. I just want to let go like she has so I can reclaim my life. No hard feelings.

Office

12:24pm Monday afternoon. I just finished lunch. I have the same thing for lunch everyday. I have some crackers, peanuts and a piece of cheese. Most of the time I have some beef jerky but not always. I am in my office with the door open. I almost always leave it open. Sometimes I close it for privacy like when I want to put my feet up on my desk or lay down in the floor. It isn’t that I am secretive. I just don’t want to be seen with my feet in the desk or lying on the floor. Today has been a weird day thinking about the WIL. It is a rare day where I remember how frustrating things were with her at the end. Over the course of our relationship we would have arguments. Sometimes we would get pretty heated. . Always by text mind you. Or over the phone. Though we could get mad we were both passionate and committed. No matter how angry we got we both hurt. Nothing felt right until we resolved the issues. Then a couple of years ago she started pulling away. She would push my buttons, I would get passionate in an argument but she wouldn’t engage. She would just disappear for days/weeks on end. No matter how much I asked her to talk to me she would be silent. It was so painful. I had all the love, fear and desire roiling through me and she just was a ghost. She was like that a lot towards the end. I keep thinking of a million reasons why. Was she busy? Did she not care for me? Did she find someone else? No matter the answer the result was painful. I am remembering that today and actually glad we don’t talk.

Check in

10:39am Monday morning. I am at work in South Phoenix. I stepped out of the office to use the bathroom. Now I am on the other side of the building. We have to leave the office to use the bathroom. There isn’t a toilet in our office. Everyone has to walk out into one of the lobbies. There is a lobby on the north side. But it is busy. And everyone knows what you are doing when you go use it. I like to walk around the back to the south side lobby. It has more privacy and the extra exercise doesn’t hurt. We had our sales meeting this morning. It devolved into frustration about the recent sale and lack of support from referral partners. It doesn’t help to complain but it feels good to vent. I like my job but I am tired of failure. I want to have success, not just get by. Even if my employers are patient it still wears me out.

Monday

5:37am Monday morning. In my apartment, sitting on the couch. The Temperature outside is 84 degrees. It was a little warm on the walk this morning but It feels nice in the apartment. Usually it is stifling. I don’t run the air conditioning unless I have company. It gets expensive and feels indulgent to do it when I am alone. I am watching the weather, drinking cold water and eating a protein bar. After I went for a walk at 4am I Went to the gym at the apartment complex. I usually have the place to myself early mornings. When I got there the main door was stuck. I used my fob three times but it wouldn’t open. I had to go around to the back entrance. After I washed my hands and got a drink from he drinking fountain I Worked out. I started with push ups. Three sets of ten. After I did push ups I did flies with the Bands hanging from the racks. I try to imagine myself a gymnast doing iron crosses when I do the flies with the bands. Then did triceps with free weights and with the bands. I also stretched out my back on the bench. I feel better when I stretch out my back and abdominal muscles. It feels like they get tight from sitting around all the time. After stretching them out I feel stronger. And leaner. I had a great night last night. In fact last night and this morning were a very peaceful. I seldom say that about Sunday/Monday. I think I have figured out the trick. I just don’t think ahead. About anything. That is why I had a good night. I refused to think ahead. My stress comes from trying to create context. I try to find the perfect scenario if life. I try solve the past, present and future simultaneously. That never works. And it makes me depressed. Today I am staying in the moment. I am not going to depress myself or stress myself out.

Awkward conversation part 2

6:15pm Sunday evening, laying in bed in chandler. I feel more elaboration is needed. Our marriage has been at a stalemate for years. My wife is hurt because of my cheating. I broke her trust. She has never been able to move past that. I failed her and our vows. Should we have gotten a divorce? Should she have kicked me out? Or should I have left to be with the WIL? So many questions that never were resolved. We talked about divorce all those years ago but with a three year old daughter we did not go through with it. So we are platonic partners who survive. And deal with things when they arise. We get along well and have a functional existence. But that is not to say there are not problems. For my part I have my own issues with my wife. The surveillance . Her tracking activity on my daughters devices. As she was explaining how our daughters behavior reminded her of my actions all I could think about was her putting spyware on my computer. As she sat there and made my daughter explain every single site she visited I wondered is my daughter going to start resenting her too? today we actually talked about divorce again. It is probably inevitable. And it might be good to finally end what we have become. Then she cut my hair, we planned their visit out here next week and discussed how to pay for school in the fall. Marriage is crazy

Songs from the ride home

5:47pm, reclining on my couch in chandler. On the ride home from Orange County three songs reminded me of the WIL and Utah. “…a little voice inside my head said, ‘don’t look back, you can never look back.’” Boys of summer, Don Henley. “All I do is miss you and the way we used to be…” Romeo and Juliet, Dire Straights. “Good bye to all my friends at home, goodbye to people I’ve trusted. I got to go out and make my way I might get rich, you know, I might get busted.” Jet Airliner, Steve Miller Band.

Awkward conversation

12:06pm Sunday afternoon, July 18. Palm desert, driving back to Arizona. Stopped to go to the bathroom, get gas and snacks. I had an awkward conversation with my wife this morning. After I woke up, took the dog for a walk and got coffee i returned to the apartment shortly after 7am. My wife was awake and sitting at her computer. When I walked in the door she announced she was “so mad.” Then she stepped out to use the bathroom. When she returned she explained that she set up a new phone. When she did this the controls on an app she uses to monitor our soon to be 13 year old daughters online activity updated. Apparently our daughter went on her phone to allow some rather inappropriate content to not be filtered. however that was not the awkward part. What made it awkward was how she then tied it to my behavior ten years ago. How I was evil and she didn’t want our daughter to meet someone like me. A conversation we have had numerous times.

Going to a movie

6:15pm Saturday evening. At a movie. First time in over a year. Feels nice to be out m. Also feels kind of reckless. Not many people wearing face coverings. I am with my daughter and her friend. They wanted to come so they could sneak around and go into scary movies. I am just sitting back and trying to relax