4:45pm I am having a a self defeating afternoon…according to urban dictionary: a Fail Clown is, “person who fails colossally or is incompetent on a galactic scale, while at the same time not noticing, or worse, thinks they are doing great”
10:55am it has been rainy and overcast all morning. Nice to have cooler temperatures. I have been thinking about the WIL. It breaks my heart to call her that and not say her name. I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. Yet I can’t stop thinking about her. Love, intimacy, sex. Those things are meaningless without her. If I try to experience them all I feel is sadness.
5:54am Wednesday while walking this morning I started to see a glimmer of a narrative I can embrace. It is the narrative that I was a journeyman salesperson. reliable but not outstanding. I accept that narrative about sales because I have perspective. That career is in the past. I also thought about being a chaplain this morning. I had an honest discussion with myself about why I don’t go back. Reasons include, money, lifestyle, challenge, expectations for my daughter. But I did come up with a new look forward goal. Being a prn chaplain. Just being called when needed to see people or do assessments. Not full time, not set hours.
7:25pm had an eventful afternoon. Have to make some staffing changes in light of census challenges. Takes with my supervisor. She is supportive. Of me and my decisions. I realize she is more scared of me quitting than I should be of getting fired. Which is refreshing. I want to succeed. I will succeed . I am succeeding. I have succeeded.
10:44am when the chaplain role was ending I knew staying in hospice meant sales or operations. Neither felt right. 12 years later they still don’t feel right. I am trapped in long forgotten choices. How do I move forward? Can I find peace?
10:40am common themes lately. General anxiety. Fear. Stability. Creativity. Productivity. Results. Accomplishment. Being known. Remaining hidden. my mind cycles on these themes
8:15am Tuesday at work. I am proud of the program I came up with last week for work. It is a good plan that was well received. I am proud of The Unaffiliated. I am proud of The Thirty Day Job Cleanse. I am creative
5:56am I have general anxiety. Not related to anything. Though I don’t have to look hard to find a “reason.” my mind is racing and my guts are twisted tight. That is just how I feel. probably forever
6:54pm I am burned out at work. My life is work and the apartment. I have done it for five months now. I need variety
2:57pm I am stuck. I can’t seem to go forward. Can’t engage in the here and now. Frustrated.
mikemeyer949 