Whirlwind

5:53am it has been a whirlwind. No stability, no security. I want to have a house again. Feel I can get a dog. Have a routine. I have been in Arizona less than five months. It feels unstable. Like it will crumble at any time. I can’t buy a house, get a dog. My life is chaos. I feel so overwhelmed

Confluence

There is this confluence in my life where a lot of things happened together. A nexus. One was the five years of being the chaplain. I loved that job but after five years it had become stale. I wanted to try something new. Second, I became a parent. That changed my world outlook and made me more anxious. Third was the financial crisis. That disrupted our lives. I felt I had to make more money. I have gotten into a worldview rut. I don’t mind the things I have done. Sales, travel, operations. But I would like to feel that security and enjoyment of being a chaplain again at work. I am exhausted

Peace at work

5:44am Monday I keep thinking about last Monday. Driving to the office. Pulling in. Having a strong emotional memory. Remembering being secure. Happy. Proud of work. Where my first thought of the day wasn’t about fear of failure. getting fired. I need to find peace again.

Tired

5:47pm when I came to Arizona I said that all that mattered was work. I have lived that way for 5 months. Now I am burned out. I am tired of only going to the office. The results have been poor so I am discouraged. I need a pick me up.

Mindful

9:38am I am being mindful of how my thoughts create stress and fear. Especially familiar thoughts that produce familiar feelings. It seems I can’t be happy. That I will search for thoughts until I can find something that worries me. Then being worried is the state that feels familiar. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. But it is known.

Check in

10:48pm not a great day. Not a bad day. Simply a check in day. I am alive and doing fine

Let go

7:26am I realize a lot of my stress comes from owning problems. The census at work being down bothers me. but I refuse to own it. It is a problem I am working to address. There are many areas that need improving. That is one of theme. I will come up with a plan and fix it like I do everything else. I will not allow myself to be run off. Or to give up. I am the captain. I am the leader for the entire voyage.

Closing

6:17pm I am fascinated by the internal switch flip that allows someone to be a successful closer. It is the confidence to sell a product/service then have then take it away just enough. The subtle pull back switches someone from logically needing to emotionally wanting. it is “setting the hook.” Waiting for the right moment. the bait is in the mouth. When do you flip the wrist and reel em in?

Journeyman

9:17am I was contacted by a former sales colleague this morning. He asked me to be a reference for a new job. I said I would be happy to. I feel for the guy. He has had a similar career arc in sales that I had. He is a former athlete. Competitive guy. Really nice. But just not able to produce final results. At my present job I enjoy the work, feel I am doing good. But the census and revenue just aren’t there. My sales failure continue to dog me. Even when I am not in sales!

Fear and anxiety thielicke

“Fear always refers to something definite. I am afraid of getting wet because of certain meteorological factors. Or I am afraid of a political complication in view of certain observations and developments.”

“…anxiety refers to a a state which the question what is feared is either secondary or is not even asked. The indefiniteness of the threat is of the very essence of anxiety.” Helmut Thielicke, The Silence of God, pg 4