Month: August 2021

Thursday night

7:44pm Thursday night. I became a chaplain again. Getting ready for survey. One of the staff chaplains is on leave. To have back up coverage i will add the chaplain job description and competencies to my personnel file. And just like that I have a job as a prn chaplain. Just like that I can update my resume. Just like that I can get out of the fucking hell I have been in for over a decade.

Thursday morning

5:46am Thursday morning. My dreams were filled with thoughts of running away, starting over, going some place new and feeling reborn. Memories of childhood flashed through my mind and tears welled in my eyes. Why is it so hard to find peace? Where can I go to feel contentment? To feel the storm inside me calm even if just for a moment?

Wednesday night

8:18pm Wednesday. At that point I wasn’t thinking straight. I grabbed the nearest thing I could write with, a broken pencil, and scribbled down her phone number. Or as much as I could remember. I was pretty sure I transposed a couple digits but that was alright. I would dial combinations until I got a hold of her to ask her out.

Wednesday

5:29am Wednesday. When I started my walk I noticed the faint odor of a skunk coming from the East. It had been there every morning this week. I assumed the animal must be hurt or dead. That got me thinking about life. My dad has been gone fifteen years. Did he live the life he wanted? Did it matter? My brother died five years ago. My mom still has his stuff. Lately she has asked me if I want it. When is a mother ready to let go of her son? When is a son able to let go of his father?

Tuesday night

7:32pm Tuesday night. The call came in nine minutes earlier. I checked the voicemail then called her back. She is a colleague in the LA office. I like talking to her. We commiserated about work. At one point she used her boyfriend for an analogy. I became jealous. I don’t know why. She has a boyfriend. I am married. After we hung up I felt irritable. I got water from the kitchen the went for a walk around the building. Another hot afternoon bore down on the parking lot. By the time I got back to my desk I was sweating and tired.

Tuesday

5:31am Tuesday morning. I ate lunch early then went home to rest. Driving back I turned the radio on. Noisy trucks filled the busy roads. The receptionist handed me three messages when I walked in. I sat down down at my desk and spent an hour making calls. Then I worked on a report the rest of the afternoon. It was almost six when I left the office and returned home.

Monday

7:59pm Monday night. After finishing dinner I cleaned the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen. I called my daughter to find out how school went. “Hi dad, bye dad.” Were her only words. My wife complained about money. We discussed plans for the weekend. I hung up then washed my face and brushed my teeth before crawling into bed. I read an interesting article on blues music. Then turned out the light to fall asleep.

Monday morning

5:42am Monday morning. When I woke up I felt refreshed. My rest had been good. Then I remembered it was Monday and felt dejected. I rolled over, turned on the light and laid still on my back for a moment. I didn’t feel the desire to get up. I thought about Saturday mornings, long car trips and peaceful walks. Anything to distract me from the looming day. For as long as I could remember I thought it my mission to avoid mornings like these. But I have come to realize all I can really hope is to endure.

Sunday night

7:47pm Sunday night. The heat emanating from the sidewalk drifted up my legs and sapped my energy. Insects buzzed as the sun relentlessly beat down. Up ahead I noticed a thin, dark strip of shade cast by the southeast corner of a tall building. I changed my course as two neighbors approached me. They were talking excitedly about what I gathered to be events from a previous get together. It must have been sordid. The woman was waving her arms as she spoke. At one point she proclaimed, “No one should put up with that shit.” The man had his head down and mumbled a response I did not hear. Their dog pulled at the lead, greedily sniffing bushes until the woman tugged it back to the path. They nodded hello as they passed. I absently asked, “How are you doing?” But got no reply.