Saturday night

8:01pm the store i wanted to go to is four miles from my house. I wanted to shop and leave. The parking lot was a nightmare. I sat waiting to turn right. Finally I went around the block and came home from the other direction.

Saturday

6:25am Arizona. On Saturday I woke up late and took a walk through the neighborhood. Dark thin clouds with sun lit edges crowded the eastern sky. Heat from the sidewalk made the air feel wet and thick. I slowed my pace to keep cool. When I returned I made toast and eggs for breakfast then went downstairs to check the post box. There was a law enforcement notice from Washington state addressed to a name I did not recognize. I thought about opening it but decided not to. I put it on a pile of unopened mail and went to take a shower.

Friday night

7:34pm As usual I had trouble staying up past 9pm. The complex filled up. The sound of voices echoed from the sidewalk below. I made a grocery list then brushed my teeth. Street lights came on and cars rolled by. A young woman took photos of herself against a pillar in the back courtyard.

Writing exercise

5:54am (just a writing exercise) As I drove to work it struck me I hadn’t called Peter last night. I sort of forgotten until I was nearly to the office but as I pulled up I remembered. He couldn’t have been too happy waiting for me to reply but what could I do? In the first place there wasn’t much to report and second he wasn’t available until late in the evening.

Big day

5:49am today is a big day. The first day of school for my daughter. An important birthday. The six month mark of being in Arizona and I turn 49 1/2.

Writer

7:38pm sitting in my office this afternoon. I identified as a writer. I don’t want to look for other jobs. I don’t care about money. I want to create something I am personally proud of and share it with other people. I feel peace.

Walk

5:50am There was no rain this morning so I went for a walk. I circled the block then cut right into the adjacent neighborhood. Fallen tree limbs from last nights storm cluttered portions of the side walk. Giant bugs with buzzing wings attempted flight to avoid my steps. I became distracted thinking about sports statistics. The tension in my throat eased and for a fifteen minutes I was at peace. It was a good walk.

Night

7:58pm There are certain things I would always think about at night. I didn’t like thinking about them so I tried to distract myself. But then I would think about failure along with things I didn’t want to think about. The first thing I thought about was work. I would imagine the end of my career. How I wouldn’t have to work any more. The sweet release of freedom when I quit. Euphoria would wash over me. I obsessed over the weeks and months I had been working. The second thing I always thought about was the WIL. How her hair fell over her shoulders, the taste of her lips. I would get frustrated and begin reading a magazine or a book. Anything to change my thoughts for a brief second.

Wednesday

6:06am today is my daughters birthday. I feel terrible inside. We celebrated this weekend. She has plans today. But I still want to be with her. It was 13 years ago today, almost to the exact minute, the nurse handed her to me. Life often feels frustrating . The last thirteen years have not been easy. But when I remember that moment in the delivery room in Salt Lake City my heart floods with joy. Today will be bittersweet. I love my daughter and will be thinking about her. But work is pissing me off. I am sick of stress.

Tuesday night

7:47pm I get tired a lot. When something doesn’t interest me I lose focus. Especially when someone is talking to me. I don’t like people talking to me. I hear sounds and movement but it is removed from context. Like watching cows chew grass. I want to go somewhere and not see another person. At least until I get bored. Then I would appreciate someone talking to me again.