Relief

6:12am Wednesday morning. And with it a wave of relief washed over me. Big heaving sighs racked my body and tears covered my cheeks. The longed for peace finally arrived. All I needed to do was let go.

Life Path

5:59am Tuesday morning. Light streamed through slender clouds that signaled the new day’s dawn. And in that moment I realized the beautiful truth; Life was worth living because it was unpredictable. If there was a right path to take in life what then? Time would march forward with dull predictability. There would be no new day. Existence would repeat the same moment over and over until all life was snuffed out in a soulless uninspired end. But a life without a perfectly good path offered something better, a taste of the unknown. Such a journey resulted in more pain but wasn’t that the point? To struggle, to fail, to fall apart only to find the peace so desperately sought? The terrible path if life provided contrast, a dark background of gloom that made happiness so much more vibrant.

Picture

8:46am Monday. I saw a recent picture of the WIL last night. I haven’t seen her in person in almost two years. At first I was worried I would feel sad. But that wasn’t the case at all. Seeing her smile filled me with peace. I like to think she is happy. Even though we can no longer see each other all I want in the world is to know she is alright.

Sunday evening, Arizona

5:27pm Sunday evening, back in Arizona. No matter how long I have been alive or how many times I have dealt with Sunday afternoon I eternally dream of a better place. I have always hoped for a better next week, a more fulfilling next year, or even that my next lifetime I will be happier.

Saturday evening, Dana Point

7pm Saturday, Dana Point. I felt annoyed and didn’t want to talk with anyone. The girls we’re in the next room so I stayed in the front of the house, away from all the noise. I needed quiet. I also needed something to eat but didn’t want to go to the store.

Saturday, Palm Desert

7:40am Saturday morning, palm desert. Everyday I learn more what it means to sacrifice. To give up child like security for the sake of achieving a goal. So often I ventured out only to retreat to safety. The moments I spend in fear haunt me but they must be endured. I can never go back to innocence, there is no place for me there.

Friday night

7:33pm Friday night sept 17, 21. Immediately the events transpired. I finished a phone call then left for a meeting across town. When I arrived no one seemed particularly concerned with the growing mob outside. To them the novel display was intriguing, not annoying. But I was sick with worry. What if my wife found out, what then? A million scenarios raced through my mind. None of them involved a simple resolution.

Purpose

6:01am Friday morning. The thought entered my mind and found purchase; If in the course of my life I changed one small circumstance would everything be different? Perhaps if I got a job that didn’t suck, or if I changed my living arrangement, would emptiness stop growing inside me? Would I cease feeling alone, could I release negative feelings and ultimately reside in peace? The questions swirled around me like detritus and the answers I found were terrible. I couldn’t change the circumstances of my life, I was killing myself for nothing and when my time came I would disappear without acknowledgement from an unforgiving world.

Conquest

8:09pm Thursday night. Seldom does peace provide lasting comfort. The moment I feel content I bear down and find more worlds to conquer. Conquest is my default setting. How can I lament anxiety when I embrace it everyday?

Writing

6:11am Thursday morning. I dig slowly to find the gems that get missed. Writing is many things; fun, creative, frustrating. It can be an escape or it can be work. In the end I just make sure it isn’t boring.