Month: October 2021

Perspective

7:28am, Dana Point. I took my daughter and her friend to a neighborhood haunted house last night. We had fun. The kids (middle school/high school) did a good job getting into character and performing. We came home around 8pm. I went to bed shortly after but the girls stayed up, they didn’t go to sleep until 1am. Needless to say, they are still sleeping. The dog and I took a walk this morning. While coming down the hill I thought about life. Right now Arizona gives me perspective I couldn’t see in Orange County. When I lived here all I saw was stress, I couldn’t relax because work and leisure weren’t separate. No matter what I was doing my mind was thinking about my job and what I had to do. Now work is in a different state. When I am in California I leave it behind and enjoy experiences with my daughter. I am fully present watching a movie, shopping at the mall or going to a haunted house. I don’t like being far away from her but I am thankful for what we have shared the past year.

France Davis

6:16am, Arizona, apartment. A prominent Utah minister had a street named after him the other day. Pastor France Davis is, according to the Salt Lake Tribune, “A civil rights legend in Utah.” He marched with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, taught at the University, and built Salt Lake City’s Cavalry Baptist into a large and influential congregation. I met Reverend Davis a couple times when I lived in Utah. I recall he was somewhat slight in stature but had what is best described as “fierce calm.” He is a man that works hard and is greatly respected. Long ago I had a copy of his biography, ‘France Davis: An American Story Told’ written by him and Nayra A. Arita. I will have to see if I can find it and read it again.

stress

5:37am, Thursday, apartment, Arizona. I woke up this morning in a panic. My chest was heavy and I couldn’t catch my breath. I stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face while taking deep breaths. After a minute I felt calmer but it was frightening. Everyday the stress seems heavier and work more frustrating. I am tired of problems that never resolve, tasks that are not completed and excuses that are implausible. This causes me to examine so much about life; maybe I am not cut out for leadership, perhaps I should work for a different company, or is it a matter of making changes in key positions? Whatever the case the issues must be addressed before I cause myself serious harm.

Catalytic

8:30am at the office in Arizona. One of the employees had the catalytic converter stolen from her car yesterday afternoon. The thief crawled underneath her vehicle and dismantled the exhaust system. Upon starting the engine she knew something was wrong, it sounded awful, as you would suspect when the exhaust system is broken. She came back into the office distraught. I calmed her down and gave her a ride home. Her step dad brought her to work this morning and is taking care of the situation. It is an older car. I suspect after filing a police report and insurance claim the vehicle will be totaled out. It got me thinking about life. How the car was productive for years; Driving to work, taking vacations, running errands. Then, in an instant, the value is stolen by an unknown stranger. Life is fragile. Things change quickly and your value can diminish overnight.

Eighth grade

8:31am Arizona, in the office. My daughter is in eighth grade. The week before last were parent/teacher conferences for the first quarter. She is doing well in school. However she has a tendency to zone out and doodle on her assignments. This happens in a more than one class so it isn’t subject related. She would rather be creating something than be bored. as a parent it was my duty to tell her the importance of paying attention, I think I even told her to suck it up and get through the school year. But is that good advice? Here I am in the same situation. I am bored at work, the things I do don’t interest me and I am escaping by creating something. Is this human nature? Or is it a sign I am wasting my time on things that I shouldn’t? Do you ever get to do what you truly want?

Tuesday

5:51am Tuesday morning, Arizona, apartment. Yesterday was exhausting. I drank too much beer Sunday and was feeling it the moment I got up. I wasn’t sick, I just felt tired. And depressed. I went home for lunch and took a nap. That seemed to help. When I got back I had a meeting with my new boss. She wants to be helpful but it looks like it will be more of the same. We will be able to hire more staff, something that has been on hold the past two months while the sale goes through. That will be nice. She told me she will be in and out of the office the next three weeks along with others. That seems unnecessary and a little excessive but I welcome the attention after months of being ignored. Anyway, I feel better today and look forward to a productive day.

Loss

9:33am Monday morning, Arizona, in the office. The WIL’s aunt passed away over the weekend. Her obituary was in the local Utah paper. I want to say something, tell her I am sorry, but I won’t. It isn’t my place to disrupt the separation she seems to want. It has been two years since we saw each other, over a year and a half since we spoke. I thought time would make things easier, but that isn’t the case at all. The loss feels more severe every moment I realize she is gone forever. I shouldn’t complain. Others are worse off. We all deal with loss; loss of health, loved ones, eventually our very lives. But today hurts more than usual.

Success?

7:25am Sunday morning. On my walk I felt anxious. The reason I felt that way is because I have had so many opportunities to succeed; jobs, businesses, writing. Yet I have not found sustainable results. The question I ask is; am I a failure? I suppose it depends on what I mean by “success.” If I am measuring it by possessions and numbers in my bank account then the answer is “yes.”But beyond those measures do I really feel I failed? Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations. The road to success is not easy, nor constant. I lived life the way I wanted to live it. Honoring the goals I deemed important. Sure, not everything has gone smooth, I have had challenges. But I am not going to change, I can’t change. I don’t want to change. This is who I am and who I will be until the bitter end. (That made me think of a song) “if you need a shoulder, or if you need a friend. I’ll be here standing, until the bitter end..” Rocket Queen by Guns and Roses-/. What I am saying is I like who I am. Some results suck. Like changing jobs every year,being away from my daughter, being in debt, not communicating with the WIL. But those are consequences of life lived. I am still moving forward. I will reach for new goals while trying to get back to those I love, connect with those I lost and honoring commitments I already made.