Friday

8:09am Friday, Dana Point. Today is the day my daughter and I are going to the amusement park for Halloween. She is going with friends, I as a chaperone of sorts. I look forward to it. October is the best month of the year; it has fall weather, Halloween and leads directly into two more months of holidays.

Vacation

6:14am Thursday. Soon after dinner last night I fell asleep on the couch at my wife’s house. It was a deep, luxurious slumber filled with peacefully confusing images and happy childhood memories. The kind of sleep I rarely achieve during the hustle of life in Arizona. It happened right before evening. There were still some streaks of light in the sky but we had pulled the blinds and turned on a lamp or two. Once the house was settled my daughter began watching a Halloween movie. I don’t remember the plot but it had something to do with a secret society of teenagers battling an evil carnival. Shortly after it started I became extremely tired. The sounds of a full house, the smell of chicken soup emanating from the kitchen mingled in my brain and put me at ease. My eyelids grew heavy and I curled up on the side of the couch. Before long I was snoring softly. My daughter was surprised. She implored me to wake up, stressing it was barely eight o’clock. But I couldn’t be roused. The release of stress starting vacation and the sense of being home had emptied me out. I stayed there on the couch all night. Sleeping my peaceful sleep, dreaming my quiet dreams until the dog whined to be let out ten hours later.

Rhythm

9:57am Monday, at work l. The week has a rhythm. Sunday at 2pm energy drops low and contours to go down throughout the evening. Monday morning is still low. Then there is a slight perk up as the day begins and evening comes. I survived the first day. But that energy is short lived. Tuesday comes like a second Monday. Wednesday feels heavy but picks up after lunch. By Wednesday evening I can see the finish line. Thursday is filled with anticipation. Friday is wonderful. Saturday is a time of enjoyment and Sunday morning is peaceful. Then it all starts again. I look to read the most on Sunday evening. I want commiseration.

Moment

7:38am Sunday. I checked the mail before heading home from my walk. A new credit card had arrived. I planned on using it and canceling one with an annual fee. No reason to foolishly spend money I don’t have.

There is an app that tracks the distance I walk. It is applied to a programmed route. The route is the pyramids of Giza. I am about 60% finished. I will do something longer next month.

A moment in time is all I, you, anyone has. We don’t live forever, we don’t solve life, we don’t collect experiences. We simply live the circumstances presented. I choose to be in the moment now. Invariably things will change and I will adjust when they do. I will live like this until I exist no more.

New

8:30am Friday, in the office. I hurried into the office this morning to check my email. I was expecting a notice from corporate. Talent acquisition had extended offers to a number of candidates. It was imperative we get them on board. The news was good. “Candidate accepted offer; start date in two weeks.” I felt happy. Now I can begin planning for a more certain future.

Frustrating

8:24am Thursday. The calls come in first thing in the morning. Angry family members, disappointed referral sources. They have expectations for service and they cannot be met. There is not enough staff. We have stopped bringing on clients and the census is going down but it is still too much for those that are trying to provide care.

New boss

6:49am Wednesday. The new bosses are coming to the office today. They will arrive at 10 and leave by noon. It is an informal meeting before the acquisition closes next month. I don’t have many expectations. They didn’t choose me and I didn’t choose them. These relationships seldom work out. I will keep an open mind.

While laying in bed I thought about the importance of staying in the present. When I focus on the moment at hand I am happy. If I plan too far ahead or spend too much time thinking about the past I get sad. I don’t like being sad. I am taking time off next week to spend time in California with my daughter. That is as far as I will look ahead. Nothing else is guaranteed.

I dreamt about the WIL last night. I was an usher at a church. She walked in with her husband. Her and I didn’t talk but her husband stayed behind. He got close to me and tried to intimidate me. I kept it casual and asked how the three boys were doing. He told me the one was in the hospital. I was alarmed and asked for more details but now I can’t recall what he said. I am not sure what to make of the dream.

Fight for survival

5:28am Tuesday. It rained on my walk this morning. Little drizzling drops giving way to wet and steady precipitation. The rain was colder than I expected. I took my phone with me because I was trying to track distance. Normally I don’t have my phone. The girls at work convinced me to join an activity that requires using an app. When the rain started I had no choice but to run so as to make it home before I was soaked and my phone was ruined. When I arrived back at my place I began to towel off. And there I realized I a nagging truth. I am unremarkable, some might say, below average. Inside me is a fight for survival, success, relevance? But am I doomed to strive and never achieve?