Post purpose

8:29am, in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Tuesday morning. We have a meeting at work every other Tuesday at 9am. On those days the 8:15 morning call is canceled. I have a little more free time than usual on this morning, which is why I am posting now. My approach to writing recently has been to chronicle activities. I realize I don’t care so much for insight as much as I want to know what I was doing on a particular day. I want to recall where I was, who I interacted with how it made me feel. I want to use this space to remember time and place.

Utah

6:28pm, Arizona apartment, Monday evening. Will I always be haunted by Utah? It has been so long since I lived there, even longer since being the chaplain, yet it haunts every thought I have. I am not sad but it is frustrating. I can’t go back and I can’t move forward. Utah is a gift and also a curse.

Back in Arizona

7:45 pm, apartment in Arizona, Sunday evening. I am back in Arizona after a weekend in Orange County. I got a late start this morning and hit traffic just outside the city so it was dark when I arrived back at my apartment. After eating dinner and unpacking the car I started a load of wash and put away groceries. Now I am checking emails and charging my phones. I plan on going to bed early to get rested for tomorrow. This will be the last week corporate support people will be at the office Monday through Friday. I appreciate the help but it is stressful having to explain everything and learn new systems.

The beach

4:28pm Dana Point, Saturday afternoon. I got out of Phoenix shortly after 4am and made it to Dana Point around 9:30am with the time change. My daughter has a friend who plays volleyball so she wanted to play a little when I arrived. After playing volleyball we headed down the path south of the apartment and went to the beach. I tried boogie boarding for the first time. Then the girls wanted to play more volleyball ball. Now we are back home relaxing a bit before heading out to run errands. So far it has been a good day.

beach plan

6:16pm Friday night, Arizona. Another punchy feeling day. I didn’t eat all day yesterday. When I finally had dinner last night it made me feel sick. I haven’t shaken that sensation yet so as I went to meetings around town my patience was short. Tomorrow I am taking my daughter and a friend to the beach along with the other dad. I hope I feel better by then. It has been a while since I have gone to the beach. It will be nice to be social and feel the waves again.

A friend

(I wrote this two weeks ago. Something happened with an editing error. Either I am reposting this after inadvertently unposting it or it is a duplicate) 6pm, the apartment, Arizona, Thursday evening. I am sad tonight. One of my daughters former classmates lost her dad over the weekend. I just read his obituary. It is hard to believe he is gone. I had no idea he was even sick (or that he was two years older then me). We did many activities at school together. He seemed so young, healthy and happy. My wife saw him not too long ago and said he was in failing health. Apparently he had a heart condition that couldn’t be treated. I just can’t fathom he died. He was so kind, patient and sincere. A loving father and a good man.

Wednesday night

7:39pm, apartment, Arizona, Wednesday evening. I have felt off all day. Edgy. Punchy. No particular reason, I just woke up that way. The in-laws plan for thanksgiving changed. We are not going to Lompoc. Which isn’t bad because that was a longer drive. Now I have to find a hotel in Dana Point for my mom. I will call her tomorrow and see what she wants to do. The hotels by the water are run down but have great views. Farther inland the places are nicer.

Time change

6:08pm, apartment, Arizona, evening. Sunday was the end of day light savings. In Arizona that means we stay put as time zones change around us. During the summer we are on Pacific time. In the winter, mountain time. I grew up in the mountain time zone so it feels familiar but I do lose an hour now traveling back from California. On a similar note Our office had a time change. We went from closing at 5pm to closing at 4:30pm (all the offices at the new company are on that schedule). You wouldn’t think 30 minutes makes that big of a difference but it does. 30 minutes means avoiding traffic. It provides more time to relax and the day is shorter. Change is hard but in that one small capacity things feel better. Sometimes it is the little things that mean the most.

Good day continued

9:57am in my office, Arizona. I am still thinking about the post from yesterday. The schedule I mentioned was created when I first moved to California 19 years ago. It was perfected when I was a hospice chaplain in utah. It is remarkable to think for all the dreams and hopes that have passed through my mind these thousands of days I really have only lived slight variations of one day.

A good day

6:28am, Sunday morning, Dana Point, CA. When life is over all I really did was live thousands of individual days. Here is an example of an idealized typical day for me: From midnight to 3am I sleep. For this particular example I would have many vivid dreams that stick in my mind and make me happy. I don’t always get to have great dreams and I appreciate them when I do. Next I would wake up between 3am and 6am and go for a walk. I like to walk outside or go to the gym and walk on the treadmill. I walk early in the morning because at that time I can talk to myself and let my mind wander without wondering if I look weird. I also don’t have to stress about greeting people or worry about the dog (when I have her) encountering aggressive dogs or owners that want the animals to say “hi.” (I am not asocial but I do prefer to spend most of my time in my head rather than overthinking personal interactions). After that I exercise (stretch, lift weights), go home, watch some tv, read, eat breakfast and drink coffee. I can enjoy an entire morning doing those activities plus writing a little bit, napping, paying bills, answering emails. Around 10 in the morning I would shower, iron clothes, dress, get ready all while listening to music. Between eleven and noon I would leave to have lunch with a friend or co worker. When that was over I would spend a moment alone to recharge my energy. Maybe drive to a secluded spot, sit in my car and scroll through my phone, catching up on the news of the day. Around three pm I would make chaplain visits or go into the office and interact with people. A little after five I would head home, eat dinner, watch tv and read before I fell asleep between 8pm and 9pm. There it is. What I would consider a good day (weekday at least). I like that schedule. You know what? It isn’t hard to be happy when I don’t think too much about existential issues or try to rule the world. I guess I simply need to relax and enjoy the day in front of me.