Month: November 2021

Time and Place

6:08am apartment Friday morning, Arizona. When I was in utah I was wedded to that place. My body pulsated with power. I was invigorated by the energy, the sites, the feeling of existing in a perfect moment. In utah my job completely defined me. I was the unaffiliated Hospice chaplain from wyoming and I was proud. That feeling came to an end January, 2008. the job ended in 2009. I left utah in 2012. To this day my heart and soul still belong to that time, that place, that job. Now, I have been in exile one way or another for almost 14 years. I still pine for that place, that job, that time but I don’t feel the pull to go back to utah as strongly as I once did. So much time has passed and there is no hope to see the WIL. I guess Orange County is home now but it isn’t the same, it isn’t ethereal like utah. Maybe it will be someday. After all, I despised high school but when I graduated I missed the time and place terribly. Maybe when I look back at Orange County I will realize it is the place I am supposed to be all along. We will see. I guess nothing will ever be utah again. If that is the case at least I got to feel that great one time in my life.

Future plans

6:14am Thursday morning, apartment in Arizona. Three weeks until thanksgiving. My daughter has gotten into the show Steven Universe. We texted the last two nights about it. I have watched the movie with her and am going to California this weekend to hang out with her and get caught up on the episodes. On a personal note, I haven’t drank alcohol since Sunday, October 24, 2021. I plan to abstain until the end of the year. Not for any particular reason, I am just tired of feeling depressed for two days after I drink. I am sticking to my plan to move back to California in March (or sooner) I will either pay my wife to let me sleep on the couch or get a room in a house with roommates. I will let fate decide the kind of job I get and the salary I earn. Probably not the scenario I envisioned for my 50th year but it is what it is. I want to be in the closest place I have to home while my daughter attends high school.

Paradise City

8:20pm, Wednesday night, Arizona, laying in bed. “Rags to riches or so they say, Ya gotta keep pushin’ for the fortune and fame, You know it’s all a gamble when it’s just a game, Ya treat it like a capital crime, Everybody’s doin’ the time.” Guns & Roses, Paradise City. I don’t know what I consider success. I am not going to make a lot of money. I don’t truly want to be famous. What am I trying to achieve?

Springsteen

8:35am, office. My brother died 5 years ago. I grabbed some cds of his and put them in a box when we went through his stuff but hadn’t listened to them until this week. On my trip to California Saturday I brought the cds with me. One of them was Bruce Springsteen’s Darkness on the edge of town. “Poor man want to be rich, rich man want to be king and a king ain’t satisfied till he rules everything.” Badlands, Bruce Springsteen