Month: December 2021

Last day of the year

&:11am, lying in bed, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, December 31, 2021, New Year’s Eve. It was raining when the dog and I left for our walk so we spent the morning watching television and working out. It is New Year’s Eve, the last day of the year. I feel anxious and trapped. What is going to happen in 2022? So much energy was expended getting through this year but nothing really changed. I will go to work on Monday as usual. The calendar will say a new month, a new year, but does it matter? My wife negotiated a better position and salary with her organization. “One more year,” she said. Then what? Do the years keep piling up? Do we endure this year so we can get to the next and be thankful we survived? Do we look back and appreciate the journey or do we mourn a time lost forever? We are getting older, eventually the years will pass and we will no longer exist. How do we make the most of the time we have left?

Taking the day off

6:15am, in my apartment living room in Chandler, Arizona, sitting on the couch, watching the weather, Thursday morning, December 30, 2021. The morning feels cozy. My wife and daughter are sleeping, the dog is on the couch next to me and we are watching the weather. Yesterday I told the regional VP my family was in town. She told me to relax and suggested I spend time with them. I appreciated that. She makes me feel valued. I want to work hard for my own success but to also to repay the support she gives me. We do not have definitive plans for the day, but we did reserve the apartment complex theater tonight. We are going to buy snacks and watch a movie together.

Space and Place

9:04am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday, December 29, 2021. I wanted to make note of where my mindset is at this particular time. I have noticed, this morning in particular, a change in my energy. There is more of a commitment to create space and place for myself and for other people. That energy has always been present, but not dominant. Now, it is becoming pronounced. I have the ability to create a peaceful space for family, friends and strangers. I am staying in one place rather than wandering. I don’t know what that means precisely, but I am about to find out.

You don’t change unless it is absolutely necessary

8:25am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday, December 28, 2021. Change only happens when it is absolutely necessary. You don’t choose change, it is forced upon you. That is because the process of change is too hard, the effort too great, the risk too high. Change involves losing as much as gaining and you cannot accept losing something of value unless you have no choice.

Notes from today

2:37pm, Chandler, Arizona, Monday afternoon, December 27, 2021, in my apartment, sitting on the couch. I came home at noon, took the dog out, went to lunch with my daughter then came home. We worked on a model, watched television and talked. My wife asked about plans for next year and if I was renewing the lease. I told her it was still up in the air. 3:11pm, I woke up from a quick nap. We are planning to go shopping this afternoon/evening. I feel guilty not being at work but need a break at the same time. 6:40pm This afternoon I worked on the model some more then went to the store with my mom to return some items. On the way home we picked up pizza. I am thankful I spent the day at home but still having trouble disengaging from work.

Morning, Monday December 27, 2021

8:41am, in my office, Phoenix, AZ, Monday morning, December 27, 2021. The apartment is filled with people so I am happy. It is different waking up to a full house. When they are here life is peaceful. I get up later, take the dog for a walk and enjoy the morning sunrise. I wish everyday could be this simple. Mom flies home tomorrow, which makes me sad. I miss having her here when she is gone. Everyone else is staying until New Year’s Day, then it is back to the usual emptiness. The patient from the weekend is still at the hospital and we had another patient transfer. I am frustrated at work. I feel the results do not match the effort we are giving.