Month: December 2021

Winning

2:05pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, December 16. Some wins at work today. I hired a nurse to replace the one who quit, I found coverage for open shifts, and I have qualified applicants for open positions. It feels so good to see a new team coming together.

Someplace else

1:55pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, December 15, 2021. It is natural, when things slow down, to think about being someplace else. After all, life is more enjoyable in reflection, when current circumstances cease to demand attention. This afternoon I left my office, drove to a nearby park and sat in my car. As the bright sun warmed me, my mind wandered to last year. I recalled being in Dana Point, sitting on my couch, experiencing a similar moment. It was not a perfect time. The ongoing pandemic resurged and large group restrictions were in place. My wife and daughter had moved out and my mother, recuperating from a nasty fall, had moved in. I was settling into a new job that, unbeknown to me, was going to end in three weeks. It was not a time l felt particularly content, yet sitting in my car, remembering it, all I felt was peace. Now I am looking at decisions I will make for the coming year; Will I stay in Arizona? Or maybe move back to Orange County? Perhaps even end up somewhere I have yet to discover? Many times in life I find myself missing what was left in the past and that makes me realize something; come next year, when I have a moment to reflect, I very well could be enjoying the sunshine of a similar afternoon, in a new someplace else, missing the very place I am now.

Too small blanket

5:14am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, December 15, 2021. A while ago I heard a financial planner share insight about his profession. He said the practice of allocating money is like, “a too small blanket on a cold night.” Every scenario can’t be addressed, something will always remain exposed. The lease on my apartment is up for renewal. If I stay in Arizona the relationship with my daughter will suffer. If I go back to Orange County I have no housing or job stability. Either way, I will give up or miss out on something. My blanket is too small.

Becoming me

2:58pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, December 14, 2021. I have time to write and I have been consistently writing. The question is, am I writing anything worthwhile? This post means probably not. Just kidding. My entire life I have searched for what I consider my true identity. I wondered; who am I? What is my narrative? The last couple of days I have identified as the author of this blog. As mikemeyer949, I write what I experience and I do it consistently. That consistency makes me confident; I know who I am, what I do and how I do it. It hasn’t always been easy, but I feel I found my true voice. And I feel I have found my identity, too.

Manic breaking

5:45am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 14, 2021. I am usually a low-key guy but every now and then I have episodes where my energy gets stuck in manic mode. It is not fun when this happens because I constantly get frustrated for stupid reasons when I am manic. This past episode started a week ago. There was no discernible trigger I am aware of, I just knew it was starting because the arrival of Friday did not provide any joy whatsoever. I was in perpetual, shitty Monday energy. As a result, the last three days were useless. Thankfully, the episode broke this morning. When I went for a walk and worked out I was resigned too another crappy day. But as I was leaving the gym I looked up and saw Christmas lights on a second story balcony. In that moment a little sprig of calm caught hold in my chest and started to clear the poison. For the life of me I could not tell you why that image, that time and the particular thoughts bouncing around head broke the spell. All I know was something popped in me that had the slightest kernel of relief and that was all I needed. Ironically, a part of me wants to be upset the weekend was wasted, but to tell you the truth, I am just relieved its over.

Conquer Insecurity

7:52pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, December 13, 2021. And there, as always, in the burning heat of my acid filled throat, is constant insecurity. It drowns my soul with fire and saps my will to live. What could I achieve if I was free of its burden? Would I live a life of breezy confidence, filled with decisive choices and positive results? Could I ultimately vanquish crushing doubt and avoid nagging fear? Can I finally have positive human interactions and accept my place in the world? At some point one of us will win; Insecurity will exact it’s final price on my soul or I will escape my vexing, inevitable plight. Either way we are in a pitched mortal battle. And though the odds are against me, I will be victorious. Because of one thing I am absolutely sure; I will either conquer insecurity or I will die trying.

Whoops

7:53am, just got to the office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. I got out of my car and realized my clothes don’t match. I changed shoes at the last second but didn’t change belts. My belt brown and my shoes are black. Of course it is on the day I have two new employees starting and the nurses coming in for a meeting. Whoops.

Feels like a typical Monday

6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. It feels like a typical Monday. I am grouchy, everything annoys me, and time can’t move fast enough. Nothing is particularly wrong, yet everything gets on my nerves. The drive yesterday was fine. I left Dana Point around 10:30am Pacific (11:30am Arizona), stopped once in Palm Desert and made it to Chandler before sunset. Then I went to bed early and didn’t get up until 5:30am, which means I skipped my morning workout. Maybe that is why I am irritated, too much sleep and not enough exercise.