6:37am, in my wife’s apartment, Dana Point, CA, Sunday morning, December 12, 2021. I am going to tell you a story. It is called A Heartland Kind of Guy. Are you ready? Here it goes…He was a typical American Heartland kind of guy; Rugged, stoic and contemplative. His life began on the prairies of South Dakota, briefly detoured through the Rapid City Black Hills and finally settled forever in the Southern Wyoming Desert. Childhood was uneventful except for learning to despise harsh weather and appreciate wide open space. By the age 15 he was convinced life would be better someplace else, so he headed west and didn’t stop until reaching the Pacific Ocean.
Month: December 2021
Saturday night update
7:27pm (pacific) Saturday night, Dana Point, CA, December 11, 2021. I am sitting on the couch in my wife’s apartment with my daughter, watching videos and trying to stay awake. The funeral service this afternoon was exhausting. It brought back many memories, not all of which were particularly good. Still, I am glad for the chance to say goodbye one last time. After the funeral we drove home for lunch then went back out to visit friends. By the time we settled in for the evening I was ready to go to bed. I am going to change and wash up now.
Attending a funeral today
6:22am (pacific) Palm Desert, California, Saturday morning, December 11, 2021. I am traveling to Orange County today to attend the funeral of my daughter’s friend’s father. Actually, I should say, my friend. I knew him well, at least as parents of similar aged children know each other. We attended many school events over the years and volunteered our time together, talking about the frustrations of life and the enjoyment of fatherhood. It is hard to believe he is gone. I will hug my daughter extra long when I get there, life feels rather fragile at the moment.
Quitters?
2:50pm in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Friday afternoon, December 10, 2021. The windshield repair guy I referenced this morning no showed for the 11am appointment. I will find somewhere else to take my car next week, hopefully the window doesn’t crack on the way to California. Also, the triage nurse that I referenced last week as surly and lacking compassion quit without notice two hours before her shift was supposed to start. It has been one of those days.
Will I ever be social again?
10:34am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I spend the vast majority of my time sitting silently alone, watching entertainment content on electronic devices, usually while eating food and/or drinking alcohol. We are talking tens of thousands of good youthful energetic hours wasted passively consuming the activities and relationships of others, while I do next to nothing. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I go out and live my life? It is not a stretch to say I am addicted to this behavior. I crave it, I fantasize about it and I plan my life around it. Is voyeurism really so much more appealing than actually being with people? Do I not know how to enjoy the company of others? Will I ever be social again?
Chip away
9:48am, Phoenix, Arizona, outside my office, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I was driving home Monday when I rock flew up and hit my car. It left a dime size chip in my windshield. The repair guy is coming at 11am to fix it before it grows too big or cracks completely. It will end up costing $50 to get fixed, which is cheaper than a new windshield but still expensive. Interesting how something so innocent as a rock getting kicked up on the freeway can end up expending time and money to rectify.
The women I love and the places they live
4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.
How should I approach the day?
8:42am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, December 08, 2021. How should I approach the day? Do I want to survive work with minimal effort and indulgent distractions? Perhaps discover a brand new life altering adventure? Maybe I could fall in love or just run some errands? What if I took a long lunch and a peaceful nap? There are so many possibilities. Of course the most practical option is to invest in work and be productive. That is the most boring choice of all.
I think I feel guilty
6:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, December 07, 2021. Accessing the computer system at work requires a security app for remote verification on a personal device. I instructed the new employee what to download and made small talk while it installed. When a minute had passed she scrolled through the many apps cluttering her screen until she got to the last page. There, her finger hesitated over the familiar red tile of a popular dating app. We both froze and acted awkward until I looked away and pretended not to notice. Then, as if unsure what to do next, she shuffled it out of sight. We completed the set up and moved on. The whole exchange lasted less than two seconds and was quickly forgotten. I kind of feel guilty about it, but to be honest, I am not entirely sure why.
The energy was positive and good
4:16pm, in my office, Phoenix Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, December 7, 2021. Most of the nursing staff came to the office this morning for training. We gathered around the conference table to learn and share breakfast. Afterwards the office staff joined us along with two new hires (for pre-employment drug screens) The energy was positive and good. I liked seeing everyone and being together.
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