Month: December 2021

Which is the better choice?

5:26am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, December 7, 2021. Which is better: To rise up and face the challenges life presents? Or to constantly attempt eliminating worry and fear on a daily basis? Facing adversity is daunting, yet noble. Eradicating stress is a futile endeavor that only makes me sad. I know which choice I should make everyday. The harder path is the only road worth taking.

Is this weird?

5:56pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, December 06, 2021. I have to share something I find disconcerting, please tell me what you think. In an attempt to save money the company I work for has us collect pre-employment drug screen urine samples in the office. That means the social worker I hired, who is female, will come to the office for the soul purpose of peeing. It will be the first time we meet face-to-face. I am to walk her to the bathroom and stand outside so she can do her thing. When she comes out she is to hand me her pee so I can ship it to an out-of-state lab. I have to ask: Is that weird? It feels extremely weird. For both of us. I bribed an assistant with free breakfast tomorrow to collect the sample.

Am I too soft on people?

11:56am, in my office, Phoenix, Monday morning (almost afternoon), December 06, 2021. There is a narrative that I am a soft leader and easily taken advantage of. It started when a colleague visited and noted issues with scheduling. I am inclined to get defensive, place blame elsewhere, make excuses, but that isn’t helpful. I need to learn and grow, which can be a difficult process. I of course am disappointed but will persevere. You know, years ago I envisioned facing challenge and finding success. I guess I never considered what challenging myself and finding failure/hardship would look like.

Almost a chaplain again

4:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, December 05, 2021. My phone pinged when I got back from an afternoon walk. The on-call nurse asked me to give her a call. A patient’s family requested a chaplain visit and she couldn’t get a hold of anyone. I told her to give the chaplains time to respond and if neither did I would see the patient. One of them called back just as I was heading out. I was almost a hospice chaplain again.

Sunday morning

9:04am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, December 05, 2021. Sundays holds great promise but never delivers. This morning my mind is filled with infinite possibilities; I can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone I want to be. Yet before long hours will pass, afternoon will approach and I will become resigned to waking up Monday in the same life as before.

A Phone call from my Best friend

6:16pm in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday evening, December 4, 2021. My best friend from high school called this evening. He was parked outside a shopping mall in Utah. We texted earlier today but haven’t talked on the phone in over a year. It was nice to talk with him. I told him I was abstaining from alcohol, he told me he was fasting. In the end we are both looking to further personal conscious our own way. I miss the philosophical conversations we had in high school and college. I am going to go out there at the beginning of the year so we can catch up.

How I spent my Saturday morning

8:04am, in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday morning, December 4, 2021. Woke up at 4am. Went for a walk, went to the gym at the complex and worked out. Watched television, drank coffee, had a protein bar. Then I took out the trash, unboxed some new shoes, loaded the dishwasher, wiped down the counters and put things away. Going to get out the Christmas decorations and stream Christmas music. 9:18am, got everything out and put up decorations. Time to take a break. Side note: for the past year I kept a plastic box On my balcony I assumed held an escape ladder. I opened it and realized it was just some pieces of a ladder we threw out a decade ago. Glad I didn’t discover that when there was an actual fire. Side note x 2: go buy an escape ladder

Living room
Thought was escape ladder
Nice hinges, but no ladder
Placement to be determined

12:12pm being lazy, watched some television, took a nap, snacking/grazing, on string cheese, salami, salad, peanuts, crackers, Doritos and coke. I am going to post this now.

Living in the future is a downer

9:01am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 3, 2021. Driving to work today felt like a Monday. That was a bummer because Friday morning usually means being in a good mood, listening to music and looking forward to some free time. But this Friday has been different. First, work has felt exhausting with drama and problems. Too many things have not gone to plan or people have not stepped up. It makes me feel disheartened. Second, this is the first weekend I will be alone since I last drank alcohol October 24, 2021. I typically don’t do well on weekends I don’t drink. Physically I don’t miss alcohol, but not drinking creates unintended issues. In the past I spent hours looking forward to having a drink, then another couple of hours actually drinking and subsequently a day or two nursing a hangover from having a drink (or 6). Now I am worried I will spend the time sitting around my apartment feeling anxious and bored. We will see how it goes. Maybe it won’t be so bad. On a side note, I have come to realize living in the future is a lot less fun than dreaming about the future. When I was younger I filled my time fantasizing about what I would accomplish, who I would meet and interact with, where I would live, what car I would drive and how much money I would make. Then around my mid-thirties it became obvious I better get to work if I wanted to make those dreams actually come true. That is the same time life became less exciting. Dreaming about a big magnificent future is like running up your credit cards. Actually having to go and make your dreams happen is like paying the bills. The first part is where all the excitement is, the second part is kind of a downer.

Disappointed and frustrated

6:41pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, evening of Thursday, December 2, 2021. Work was long today. One of our nurses had a personal issue to address. She is a hard worker and compassionate soul dealing with a tough situation. Another nurse begrudgingly offered to cover some triage time for her. This nurse is the opposite of the first nurse. She is not compassionate in the least and surly. An admission came in that needed to be covered. The second nurse refused to do the admission then said she wouldn’t cover the shift at all. Simply because we asked her to do the admission. Not only did she let down the organization and a coworker but a patient and family in need (the patient was coming out of the hospital with a new cancer diagnosis) my clinical director is working with staff at the community where the patient resides to make sure she is alright for tonight but the experience has left me (and my team) disappointed and frustrated. I am addressing the issue with Human Resources tomorrow but for tonight I will just be upset.