To California

10:35am, in my car, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, January 21, 2022. At 1pm I am leaving for California. It will be the first time I travel on Friday rather than Saturday. This week was exhausting and it is important to have down time. The route through San Diego might even be an option.

I end up feeling empty

7:14pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, January 20, 2022. Why do I watch people live life rather than actually have relationships? I sit on my couch, passively observing others compete, travel, converse, solve problems and face adversity while I do nothing. I am trapped in a vicious circle; Interacting with people physically drains me, yet watching them makes me feel emotionally vacant. I can’t win. Either way I end up feeling empty.

The feeling never changes

5:55am, apartment, chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 19, 2022. If I wake up at 2am I am frustrated because it is too early to get out of bed. If I wake up at 3am I am frustrated because it is too late to go back to sleep. If I wake up at 4am I am frustrated because I have to get up. If I wake up at 5am I am frustrated I overslept. Why do I act like experience is the cause of my feelings instead of the other way around? The feeling never changes inside me, just my excuse.

Sputtering engine

5:48am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday morning, January 18, 2022. My energy is like a sputtering engine; it fires intermittently, propelling me forward, until I lose momentum and slow down. When things are going good it fires consistently, when they are bad I go a long time between sparks.

Not a failure, not a victim

3:24pm, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 17, 2022. My ordination was 23 years ago today, January 17, 1999. Good memories; I had just started my career as a chaplain and was full of confidence. What changed? Now I only write about being vulnerable at work or in relationships. Why do I do that? I am not a failure, I am not a victim, nor am I helpless.

What I did today

4:56pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, January 16, 2022. I woke up at 5:30am, went for a walk, then came home to drink coffee and catch up on the news/weather. I lounged around until 2pm before working out at the apartment complex gym. After that I went grocery shopping. Now I am occasionally checking the football game and watching a show on Netflix.

Internal identity/ External projection

5:43am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday morning, January 15, 2022. My internal identity is who I am. It is what inspires me, gives me joy and propels me to interact with the world. My external projection is what people see me as. It is the job I work, the relationships I keep, the values I hold. The more my internal narrative aligns with my external projection the happier I am. When they are aligned I am confident, attractive and successful. Here is a brief history of my internal narratives: In high school I was a rock star/baseball player. In college a rock star. In seminary I was a writer. After graduation I was an actor, then a writer again. Looking back I notice times my internal narrative and external projection did not align. Those were the darkest times of my life and subsequently, the times I felt most alone. For the past year I have felt aligned. Writing this blog is who I am internally. Sharing it with you gives me purpose. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.

The things I fear the most

6:33am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday morning, January 14, 2022. The things I fear most: Missing out, not feeling loved, being useless. Being rejected, dying, becoming sick, falling into destitution. Not achieving objectives, failing to attain a stated goal and settling for less.

Can life be improved?

8:33am, office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday morning, January 13, 2022. What is left to improve? Relationships? Money? Work? Housing? Freedom? Adventure? Can I upgrade the larger aspects of my life or will regression occur by trying?

January 12

3:23pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, January 12, 2022. A year ago today I started writing this blog in present form. I had been laid off from my job, my family had moved out and I felt terribly isolated. There were so many unanswered questions swirling in my mind: Where would I find work? How would I pay my bills? Where would I live? Who cared about me as a person? Some of those questions have been answered, some still unresolved. Regardless, I am in a better place than I was last year and being able to look back gives me appreciation for where I am and what I went through.