Month: January 2022

Fast day

3:53pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday afternoon, January 10, 2022. First day of three week training/preparation to integrate with our new company. The training was boring but tolerable, while the day sped by. Or at least it seemed to go faster. Regardless, Monday is almost over and I couldn’t be happier.

I like the relationship we have

8:01am (PST), sitting in the couch, wife and daughters apartment, Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, January 9, 2022. If I look back on this day a year from now what do I want to remember? That I had a long deep sleep? That I woke up around 4:30am, took the dog for a walk, then bought her treats before picking up coffee and tea? Do I care that yesterday I caught up on the news, put together my daughters drawing desk, watched a show with my wife and ordered take out? Are those the things that I should chronicle? After all, the audience for these posts is me, but to a certain extent, also you. I am a guy writing things to look back on yet I make my thoughts public in case you are curious to read. That creates a passively intimate relationship, which works in a way I cannot totally define. I could post similar updates on social media but that feels dissonant for some reason. Here I am true to myself and I don’t mind you reading along. I like the relationship we have and I hope you do too.

A Saturday Afternoon in Orange County

1:21pm (PST), wife and daughter’s apartment, lying in bed, Dana Point, CA, Saturday afternoon, January 8, 2022. I arrived at 11am after leaving Chandler at approximately 5am (MST). When I arrived we sat at the table and ate leftovers for lunch before doing school work. Now I am napping while my daughter plays an online game. The wife is in the living room and the dog is lying next to me.

Friday, January 7, 2022

2:19pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday afternoon, January 7, 2022. Monday is the beginning of our big integration at work. All of our back office and clinical functions will change. It is going to be intense; for three weeks we are going to migrate records, move systems and learn new software. I am ready to get started because it has been stressful preparing. I feel run down and we haven’t even started yet!

Less Anxiety

3:28pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Thursday afternoon, January 6, 2022. I am surprised my mental state continues to be good. It is rare I appreciate what I am going through rather than constantly looking ahead. Over the past decade most of my distress came from unrealistic expectations; the women I would love, the job I would have, the amount money I would make. Now, my expectations are tempered, and so is my anxiety.

Finding Peace

9:31am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday morning, January 5, 2022. Around 4am this morning a feeling of peace washed over me. It was a deep relaxing peace, reminiscent of visiting my parents home in my 20’s. Their house was always a safe haven I could leave to find adventure and, more importantly, always return to when I longed for love and security. Yesterday I lamented the inability to ever feel innocent again. Now I have felt it for almost five hours. It is so rare, I am savoring every minute and dreading when it inevitably goes away.

Relatives visit and packing

9:50am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Tuesday morning, January 4, 2022. Yesterday my relatives stopped in Chandler to visit. We ate at the Mexican restaurant across the street from my apartment then sat and talked for a while. It was good to see them but I am exhausted. I need down time away from people and work. All morning I have struggled with a feeling of anxiety. Nothing specific is bothering me, yet I can’t relax. The last two days I have been going through things and packing, both at the office and at the apartment. Maybe I sense something subconsciously, or maybe it is just normal behavior at the start of a new year.

Memories from a year ago

6:17am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, January 3, 2022. A year ago (Monday January 4th) I walked into work and was greeted at the door by the HR director. She informed me I had been laid off; No warning, no advance knowledge, not even a hint. I was the Executive Director in charge while the CEO took an extended sabbatical. When he got back I was no longer needed. For three months I navigated the site through an office move, staffing issues, billing concerns, clinical leadership changes and the pandemic resurgence. Then I was let go. Finically I was in a terrible position, I couldn’t afford rent and had no job prospects in Orange County. I expanded my search area and that is how I ended up in Arizona. Despite the start to the year I look back on 2021 as mostly good. I am proud of how the year turned out. I miss being close to my daughter but the change in perspective did me good. Now I want to take this adventure, wrap it up, hold onto the memories and get back to my life in Orange County.

Sunday Afternoon, January 2, 2022

3:33pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, January 2, 2022. I woke up late this morning, which meant not going for a walk or working out because I had to drive to the office and enter payroll before 10am. I finished early and was out of there before 9. Other than that I haven’t been productive today at all. The family left yesterday at 2pm. We went shopping and grabbed lunch before they got on the road. They arrived in Orange County at 8pm pacific time which meant I was already asleep by the time my daughter texted to let me know. I took down the apartment’s Christmas decorations last evening. Perhaps that was a mistake. Now the place looks as empty as it feels. The post-holiday let down coupled with everyone leaving is depressing. Vacation is over, spending time with my family has past and I am feeling very alone right now.