Celebration

6:44pm, apartment in Dana Point, California, Saturday night, February 19, 2022. My birthday is coming up. To celebrate my daughter and I went to a movie. Afterwards we walked around the mall where she bought anime figures and I got pants. Later, we met her mom for dinner before getting ice cream for dessert. Now se are going to finish the night watching television and playing video games.

Friday night

6:15pm, apartment in Dana Point, California, Friday evening, February 18, 2022. On the couch with my daughter and the dog. We ordered dinner for delivery and are watching her favorite show waiting for it to arrive while her mom is at work. Last night when I arrived everyone was gone except the dog. My daughter ended up staying the night at a friends. It was strange to be in the house without her, even stranger to be here alone all morning.

Drive all night

9:51pm, parking lot of apartment in Dana Point, Thursday night, February 17, 2022. Left work after four to drive to California. Hit traffic leaving Phoenix and some construction in riverside but the trip was worth it to spend an extra night in Orange County. Tomorrow is technically a work day but I won’t get involved unless it is something urgent. I need to go to bed, it is way past my bed time.

Depressed

5:57pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, February 17, 2022. I have felt depressed the last week. Not sure if the depression is from work, uncertainty about the future or disappointment about a relationship ending.

Desperate by my own design

7:04pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, February 15, 2022. The thought of formally submitting 60 day notice to vacate the Arizona apartment crossed my mind this morning. However, I decided to hold off; if I put myself in a position where I needed to move by May I would become desperate by my own design. Right now I am under no pressure to accept any job offer unless the pay is substantially higher. The job here in Arizona is stable(ish?), the apartment is cheaper than anything in Orange County and the company is far better than the one out there. If they can’t raise my pay there is no reason to take their job. I want to be close to my daughter but I am not desperate and I refuse to arbitrarily make myself so.

Valentine’s Day 2022

6:16pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, February 14, 2022, Valentine’s Day. Two tuna salad sandwiches leftover from yesterday was Valentine’s dinner this evening. Not very glamorous, but still pretty delicious. I was extra hungry by the time I ate because a nurse on the night shift needed help setting up patient transports. I spent an hour walking her through it over the phone. After that things quieted down. Now I am on the couch watching a show before bed. I am so glad the day is over. There was a lot of anxiety in the office this afternoon. Not for any particular reason, everyone is just exhausted from constant change, myself included.

Sunday morning activities

7:28am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, February 13, 2022. Adverse symptoms from the cold I caught two weeks ago are still present, which is frustrating. Having a stuffy nose and persistent headache makes enjoying activities difficult. I can take cold medicine but too much of it makes me tired and slows me down. This morning the dog and I did our usual walk followed by a trip to the store to buy Valentine’s Day treats for everyone. I will leave for Arizona around ten and get in by 5:30pm. This week is busy at work with payroll tomorrow morning followed by a 3 day mock survey. Thursday night I am leaving work early to come back to Dana Point. The following week I fly in Wednesday morning for an interview with the Southern California hospice company. Unless something drastic changes my mind I will take that job and move back to Orange County around the end of March, beginning of April.

Palm desert stop

7:42am Pacific time, Palm Desert, California, Saturday morning, February 12, 2022. Almost to Orange County, stopped to rest and get something to eat. Left Arizona at 5am mountain time and drove straight through. I made one quick stop outside Blythe but I will take more time in Palm Desert. My daughter had a friend stay over last night. They are usually pretty messy and loud in the morning so I am not in a particular hurry.

Turning in

7:18pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, February 11, 2022. I made tentative plans to go out tonight but cancelled to stay home instead. The amount of energy required to stay up and socialize was too great to exert. In the morning I leave for California so it is best to get to bed early.

Sometimes life blows

6:35pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, February 10, 2022. Two senior leaders from Southern California called this afternoon. They wanted to discuss a position similar to what I am doing now. That annoyed me. The recruiter I had been talking with said the call was for a regional role. I can’t tell if she lied or was misled herself. Either way, I felt a little deceived and a lot let down. But the call wasn’t all bad, the job has some strong selling points: the pay is pretty high for the position, there is more responsibility and most importantly, I can move back to Orange County. That gives me mixed emotions: as a father I am filled with joy. I can go home and be close to my daughter. However, career wise, taking the job would be suicide. Companies like this churn middle management every day, especially in Orange County. I keep asking myself what should I do? Go back for a job destined to fail or stay in Phoenix and miss my daughters teen years? Either decision leaves something to be desired. It’s as if no matter what I choose a great big sucking heartbreaking hole opens in the middle of my chest, leaving me with no possibility of happiness. Sometimes life blows.