5:52pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, February 9, 2022. The meeting with senior leadership was this afternoon. Nothing too groundbreaking got discussed beyond typical corporate talking points: 1. How can we help you? 2. You know we are here to support you, right? 3. Why aren’t you making more money?” Toward the end I said something about marketing strategy. The senior VP replied with a different take. Afterwards she moved on and likely forgot the whole exchange. I on the other hand have heaped torrents of abusive self-talk all over my psyche for three straight hours, chastising myself over and over for being stupid, for not thinking before I speak and for making myself look ignorant. It really is over the top and way too much for something so minor. Yet I can’t stop. Sometimes I swear I deliberately try to crush my own soul, just to see how sick I can get.
Month: February 2022
Not with this outfit
6:20pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, February 8, 2022. Had a call set up with the COO a Southern California company at four today but it was rescheduled at the last minute. We both were too busy. The recruiter thought it might cause problems but I don’t want to work for someone thats not flexible. Besides, he already rescheduled twice. The possibility of relocating back to Orange County is still available, but optimism is not high at the moment. At least not with this outfit.
Few people enjoy work right now
6:09pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday night, February 7, 2022. The girls in the office were happy this see me this morning. I was happy too. Not from being at the office so much as just being appreciated. We are busy, there is a lot that needs to get done; procedures to implement and problems to address. For the most part nothing catastrophic has occurred but time will tell if that holds true. Pressure to grow the census in the midst of integration has overwhelmed us. Few people enjoy work right now, myself included.
Sunday afternoon
4:29pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, February 6, 2022. The walk this morning was cold but invigorating, followed by a decent workout session at the apartment complex gym. Later this afternoon a short drive cleared my mind before I took another walk. There is a new movie on one of the streaming services and pasta cooking inthe microwave. Bed time will be early tonight.
Saturday updates
4:25pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Saturday afternoon, February 5, 2022. Updates from earlier in this week: The second covid test was negative, which was a relief. After the urgent care visit and trip to the pharmacy I have some prescriptions. Steroids and cough suppressant have helped, but haven’t conquered the feeling of being run down. Travel to Orange County did not happen this weekend. Work was frustrating and the recruitment call resulted in a phone interview this coming Tuesday for a regional job in Southern California.
The energy of my youth
2:29pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday afternoon, February 4, 2022. The energy of my youth was passive, quiet and indulgent; Vast swaths of solitude peppered with sporadic adventure in a safe, familiar home. Happiness was being surrounded by family, thinking comforting thoughts and indulging familiar accoutrements. Now the world demands a different version of me. I am a father, a boss, an authority figure. I give direction, dictate adventure and provide safety. The child within no longer exists, I can not return to the energy of my youth.
New marketer
5:30pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, February 3, 2022. A new marketer starts with us next week. Even though she technically isn’t my employee, she has called multiple times for matters important and trivial. The constant phone calls can be a little much, but I find in her traits I wish I had; outgoing, tenacious and caring. Her energy is infectious and what has been missing from our office.
Back home
3:51pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, February 02, 2022. The cough and stuffy nose are still present but this morning I went to the office nonetheless. That probably was a mistake. Even though I felt better everyone was nervous about getting sick. I don’t blame them, no one wants to be around someone with active symptoms. An urgent care down the street from my apartment had an appointment available at 3:20pm so I headed back to Chandler early. The clinician hypothesized the first test result might have been a false negative, so she took another swab and prescribed medication before sending me home. The results will be available in a couple days. I will work from home until then.
Be in good health
4:44pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday afternoon, February 1, 2022. Stayed home one more day. Going into the office was a possibility but there was a staff meeting, not the time to go in and cough everywhere. Another day of rest has been beneficial. I am feeling better. My daughter called a little while ago, she had a good day at school. Hearing her voice when she is happy is therapeutic. Now the goal is to be in good health to travel this weekend. Going two weeks without seeing my daughter would be sad.
mikemeyer949 