4:29am, pacific standard time, Sky Harbor Airport, Phoenix, Arizona, Saturday morning, April 30, 2022. Made it to Phoenix airport early for my 6:05am flight to Salt Lake City, Utah. My mom will meet me there so we can drive back to Arizona together (with an overnight stop in Nevada) I look forward to seeing my mom, going on a road trip together, and seeing Utah again.
6:08am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Friday morning, April 29, 2022. One of the biggest points of stress in my life is thinking peace resides at the end of my to do list; frantically running around trying to resolve problems (real or perceived) with the hope that tranquility is just around the corner. But I never get to the end of my list, I never relax. When all is said and done the only thing I find are more things to do. Today, I let go of that energy, at least for a little while. The weekend is coming and I am going to enjoy it.
5:37am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, April 28, 2022. Living alone has benefits; you go to bed when you want, you control the television remote and you have final say on all home decor decisions. But there are drawbacks to living alone; without other people around it is easy to cycle on negative thoughts, feel lonely and get depressed. My mom is coming out this weekend. I am flying to Salt Lake City, Utah early Saturday morning to meet her so we can drive back to Arizona together. It will be nice to see her again (She hasn’t been out since Christmas) and it will be beneficial to have another person in the apartment for a couple weeks.
5:51am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, April 27, 2022. I am torn between the choice of being a chaplain and being an executive. You would think it would be an easy choice; go back to being a chaplain, leave stress behind, remove uncertainty, stop being lonely and embrace the more natural, positive energy. But I tell you, deeper forces are at work. Being an executive is addictive; I enjoy, even crave, the challenge, the money, and the ego boost. However, like any addiction, there are negative consequences as well; I live far from my family, I have lost more money than I have made because of frequent job changes, periods of unemployment and even underemployment. And the constant stress is starting to physically wear me down. When I think about being a chaplain my spirit opens like a blossoming flower. When I think about being an executive a steel blade of anxiety rips my guts. You would think it is an easy choice to become a chaplain again but, life is rarely as simple as making an easy choice.
5:52am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday morning, April 26, 2022. I was out of the office marketing yesterday afternoon. There were a couple of good conversations with physician office personnel but, ultimately I didn’t make the most important connection; getting a referral for a new patient. At this point I am ready to call it quits. The situation not improving and I am frustrated. What is the point of continuing if the results never change?
6:11am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, April 25, 2022, 1st day back to work. Have to go in and do payroll and get ready for an operations meeting at the end of the week. There are multiple things on my plate. I still constantly think about going back to being a chaplain; really doing it, not just using it as a mental escape to ease anxiety. If I choose to be a chaplain again there are logistics that need to be resolved, it isn’t so easy to change careers.
6:06pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday evening, April 24, 2022, last day of vacation. My vacation has drawn to a close. I will go to work in the morning and engage in familiar tasks. I do not dread going back as much as I suspected; having too much free time was getting old. Nonetheless, I do not feel particularly committed to the company, nor do I feel committed to. That makes things awkward. It should be an interesting week.
7:16am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Saturday morning, April 23, 2022, day 9 of vacation, sitting on the couch, contemplating life. I looked at payroll reports this morning and checked work email. Vacation is almost over and I need to prepare for Monday. I have no passion at the moment. Not because I dread work but, because the financial health of the site is bumming me out. It is hard to find motivation when the results are always negative. Then again, it probably doesn’t matter. If the financials were better the bullshit of everyday tasks would annoy me. I won’t be happy, no matter what. I am simply justifying what I already feel.
8:14am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Friday morning, April 22, 2022, day 8 of vacation (Earth Day) Life is like surfing; waking up alone on a cold, gray morning, leaving valuables behind, and running barefoot across endless shifting ground to the waters edge. Though rocks are sharp and the water is cold, the roiling expanse is met with confidence. After all, why would there be reason to doubt? Nothing has pierced our belief that all ends up working out for the best. Yet, inevitably, disappointment arrives; waves don’t break like they should, other surfers knock us down and the wind howls mercilessly in our ears. At that point, it is natural to feel tested and beaten. Yet, at the lowest moment, with only a little time left, it only takes one amazing wave to change everything. Life, like surfing, is beautiful; not because every moment is perfect but, rather, because so few truly are.
8:59am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Thursday morning, April 21, 2022, day 7 of vacation. Yesterday was a day of recuperation. Our daughter went to lunch with a friend then came back to the apartment to make ice cream and play video games. I went to the gym, watched television and ate too much food. At six pm we went to an outdoor movie because her school recommended attending a social gathering during break. That made me jealous. I need someone giving me social assignments.
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