The end of guilt

5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.