May 10, 2023, Wednesday morning, 6:37am, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA. This Sunday my daughter and her mom stopped by the Dana Point apartment to take me to pick up a rental car. We got to talking about the Arizona apartment. Everyone misses it, including me. The apartment was a great place to visit, a haven apart from everyday life. I miss having it available as a weekend option. The family is disappointed we can’t use it for summer vacations. My mom even expressed she will miss coming to visit. I am reminded of how sad it is to no longer have it on mornings like this. I want to drive for hours and arrive someplace familiar, safe and empowering. I ‘mourn’ that the apartment is no longer there.

May 9, 2023, Tuesday night, 6:35pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA. 2nd night in Bakersfield. I need to chill a little. I am all bowed up thinking I have to fix this branch right away. It was my first full day in the office. I am still running Palm Desert, setting up interviews for my promotion and running Bakersfield. It is weird doing a new job while still doing the old one. Remarkably, after eating dinner and reading a little I have calmed down. I am going to read a little more, watch some videos, then go to bed.

May 8, 2023, 7:20pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA. My first night in Bakersfield. Arrived at 3:30pm. Stopped by the office to introduce myself and catch up on work. Everyone I met was nice. I think it will be a good week and it should be a nice experience. The drive out here was interesting. Once I got north of Santa Clarita I was reminded of past trips on familiar roads. I hadn’t driven over the grapevine to highway 99 since I worked in Modesto ten years ago. A lot of memories came flooding back. Not many of them good. At least I have something to be thankful for. I don’t have to drive all the way to Modesto.

May 7, 2023, Sunday evening, 6:27pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Went to the new superhero movie yesterday with my daughter. Afterwards, we drove to Anaheim to watch a baseball game. We didn’t get home until late so I slept in this morning. I did the Dana Point walk and a workout then took the dog for a walk around Aliso Viejo. Later, I tried to pick up a rental car for tomorrow’s trip to Bakersfield but, the office was closed. This afternoon I helped my daughter’s mom put together furniture. Now I am doing laundry.

May 6, 2023, Saturday, 6:32am, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA. I chose to stay in Palm Desert last night. The clinical manager was out of the office all week and I didn’t want to leave the volunteer coordinator alone (at least for too long) to take phone calls and handle issues by himself. I left the office at 3pm and came back to the hotel to rest. At 5pm I talked with my daughter’s mom over the phone. She filled me in on our daughter’s school dance the night before and we discussed plans for the weekend. Sounds like everyone already has something going on. That is fine, a quiet weekend alone would be nice right now. After getting off the phone I went out, grabbed dinner, then came back and watched basketball. I went to bed at my usual time but slept in an hour later than usual. That meant I got to watch the sunrise from the hotel gym, not something I normally I get to see. It was beautiful. The palm trees swayed in the wind and the mountains glowed with morning light. Now I back in the room, drinking coffee, watching the weather, and enjoying a rare morning where I don’t have to rush off to work.

May 5, 2023, 5:44am, Friday morning, hotel room in Palm Desert, California, USA. Received a call from my bosses boss yesterday. She is creating a new position in Southern California; area Director of operations. It is pretty much what I am doing now, only instead of being interim director over one (or two) branches the candidate will over see directors at five branches (and be interim director if needed.) She asked me if I wanted the job. I said, “yes.” It will be posted today on the internal job site. I am going to apply this afternoon. This is exciting. The job is a great opportunity for me, a step up in responsibility, and something I am confident I can do.

May4, 2023, Thursday morning, 6:07am, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA. The hotel I’ve stayed at the past two weeks provide newspapers for guests. I got in the habit of picking one up with my coffee each day. However, when I got there this morning there weren’t any newspapers available. I have been reading articles on my phone instead. Funny, after just a couple days, the experience feels uncomfortable and cramped. I miss spreading out a large piece of paper, folding it any way I like, then sitting back to read.

May 3, 2023, Wednesday morning, 12:15am, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA. Woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep right away. That is alright. My anxiety has dissipated and I am at peace. These moments are rare, I want to enjoy it as long as possible. The wind is blowing gently outside, the lit up pool is calming to look at and I am in control of my emotions. All is right with the world this Wednesday morning just after midnight pacific time.

May 2, 2023, Tuesday night, 6:09pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA. Felt stressed today. I know why. I committed to measurable business success a month and a half ago. That is a new frame of mind that has led to dangerous consequences. Case in point: we had a referral come in this afternoon. The old me would have postponed it. There were questions about authorization much more easily solved tomorrow morning. I could have noted the obstacles, accepted my limitations and explained the situation to my supervisor. No one would have cared and I could have had a quiet rest of my day. Instead, I worked for hours, with multiple people, to complete the admission tonight. The result is I achieved my stated goal, i.e. census and revenue growth. But, the effort caused physical pain in my upper stomach that leaves me hurting and anxious. Frankly, I am scared I won’t ever find a way to relax again. Is so called “success”’really worth destroying my body for?

7:31pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Monday night, May, 1, 2023. Got the same hotel room as last week, first time that has ever happened. It isn’t a great room but, it is the nicest they have. Which isn’t saying much. I only stayed at this property because all the other hotels were unavailable. Oh well, I will appreciate the experience and make the best of the situation.