September 30, 2023, Saturday night, 8:06pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Went for a walk and workout this morning, then did laundry. I didn’t hear from my daughter until noon when her mom took her to get “breakfast.” I got a haircut then drove to Aliso Viejo to walk the dog but it started raining so I went grocery schooling instead, watched a movie and hung out in Dana Point all day. The Ohana festival is going on in Dana Point this weekend. Lots of traffic and energy. Everyone seems happy, even with inclement weather.

September 29, 2023, Friday night, 7:36pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Was able to walk and workout this morning before going to Aliso Viejo to spend the day with my daughter. She didn’t feel well enough to go to school but seems better now. That’s not really surprising. I am sure she had something going on, not sure it warranted missing a week of school. Oh well, I could be sterner with her but I didn’t feel like going to work either. After morning calls we grabbed breakfast and a little later, lunch. Otherwise we stayed home. It was overcast today. Not inspiring weather at all. I went and got a blood test around noon. I hope the results are favorable. I am tired of having to get them. I need to take better care of myself and not be so cavalier with my choices.

September 28, 2023, Thursday night, 9:21pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Slept in after a long night. Lots of patient issues in Bakersfield to address. I missed my walk and workout this morning. Headed to Aliso Viejo to spend the day with my daughter while her mom attended work meetings. My daughter stayed home from school because she wasn’t feeling well. I understand. I don’t feel well either. Tomorrow I am going to get blood drawn for testing, see what the issues are. I am also going to get up early to walk and workout before spending the day with my daughter again.

September 27, 2023, Wednesday morning, 7:09, pacific standard time, hotel room in Palm Desert, California, USA. Looking back on posts from the same time frame of my previous job (14 months in). They are similar. Like, exactly. I could have written them this week. It is disheartening to see no personal growth. I am burned out, overwhelmed, depressed and day dreaming about escape. I really thought this job would be different. But then again, when I was applying for jobs last summer I knew 15 months was probably the longest I could stick around. Hospice operations director is a relentlessly demanding position. I am not an outlier. Most people only make it this long.

September 26, 2023, Tuesday night, 7:12pm, pacific standard time, hotel room in Palm Desert, California,USA. I came back to the hotel room at 10:30am and didn’t go back to the office. Part of the reason was physical, I feel a little off. But another part was mental. I finally reached a point of shutting down. Preparing for the mock survey next week on top of everything else is just too exhausting. I am curious what the near future holds. For the first seven months of this job I was dialed in. The last six months have been a grind. I will keep working hard but I am glad the grind is over. That was exhausting.

September 25, 2023, Monday evening, 6:09pm, pacific standard time, hotel room in Bakersfield, California, USA. Today felt rough. It seems every morning gets more difficult to rally. I guess there is no other option than to keep plugging away. I found out the mock survey for Palm Desert is next week. There is a lot to do and not much time to pull it together. That is why we have a mock survey. To find out what needs to be fixed. The real one won’t happen until January. That gives us time to correct issues. It is going to be next couple of months.

September 24, 2023, Sunday evening, 6:27pm, pacific standard time, walking on the treadmill at the hotel gym, Palm Desert, California, USA. Today was a great day. Left Orange County just before 2pm. When I arrived in Palm Desert it felt like a nostalgic visit to the past. That made all the difference. Instead of dreading work I basked in familiar surroundings. After checking into the hotel I drove around, grabbed dinner then watched some football. Now I at the hotel gym doing a quick workout. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. It feels good to do things in the evening instead of going straight to bed. If only every Sunday could feel this nice.

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September 23, 2023, Saturday morning, 6:42am, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA. Morning posts for this blog tend to be introspective reflections i.e, examinations of my quest for happiness. Where posts written in the evening tend toward factual recaps with little commentary. If I am honest, I enjoy the factual posts more. That is because situations evolve but I rarely do. I am the exact same person with the exact same feelings, beating his head against the same existential walls. Nothing changes and I doubt it ever will. But circumstances of my life always change. Moments come, then wash away, leaving nothing but memories. It is fun to look back and recall a specific time, activity or milestone. I appreciate they are preserved in some way in these posts. That being said, I have been reflecting on what I wrote yesterday. Namely, that I want to do something with passion and purpose. The ironic thing is, if I could design a life to maximize happiness this would be it. It isn’t where I live, my job or the lifestyle that has worn me out, rather it is the work load. I am overwhelmed, just getting through each day in hopes I can muster enough strength to tackle tomorrow. Has this moment passed just like a thousand others? Is the only way to rejuvenate to let go and start over with a new set of circumstances?

September 22, 2023, Friday morning, 6:49am, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA. I had a lot of time to think yesterday. The drive from Bakersfield to Palm Desert is pretty sparse with limited radio reception. My thoughts went back to memories of Utah and being a Chaplain. It also got me thinking about my relationship with time and writing. For months I have mitigated stress imagining working in Phoenix Tuesday through Thursday as a hospice chaplain. I would leave Orange County Monday, work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday then go back Friday. Basically, the schedule I have now with a lot less stress. If I did that I would have more free time. How would I fill it? Most likely with writing, at least in theory. But what would be the point? I no longer expect recognition or income. My audience is limited. I only enjoy writing in short bursts throughout the day. If I were to change the structure of my routine what is the purpose? Outside of money or boredom I can’t imagine why I do this current job. But the alternative is just as underwhelming. I am at the point where all the current motivators are secondary. I don’t want money, title or recognition. I want to have purpose and passion.

September 21, 2023, Thursday morning, 8:50am, pacific standard time, hotel in Bakersfield, California, USA. I am in Bakersfield about to head out and drove to palm desert. It is a rare day where I don’t have many meetings. I have been hanging out in the hotel feeling bored. And I love it. It is so nice to not have issues pressing, demanding attention. I have time to reflect and be lost in thought. I need more days like this.