April 30, 2024, Tuesday evening, 5:07pm, pacific standard time, hotel room in San Bernardino, California, USA. Drove to San Bernardino this morning for a meeting with the region president. It went well. Tomorrow we meet in Palm Desert then finally one last visit in San Diego. I still feel a little under the weather. I think I am just stressed. Last week was exhausting and the trip to New Jersey with my daughter makes me anxious. We will have a good time but the logistics worry me.

April 29, 2024, Monday night, 8:02pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point,California,USA. Still having issues with my diaphragm. I can catch my breath better than yesterday but it still makes me feel tired. Alcohol, stress and lack of sleep exasperate it the most. I feel worthless at work. My ability to eat stress was my strength and my armor. I may not have been healthy but I never doubted my worth. Now I am like a pitcher who is injured and can’t perform. If it were sport I would go on injury reserve and heal. But this job offers no such respite. I need to deal with it and do the best I can.

April 28, 2024, Sunday afternoon, 1:04pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point,California,USA. Went to the angels game last night against the Minnesota Twins. It was a little chilly and the game was long. The angels lost by 11 runs. We were going to stay for fireworks but everyone was tired. I am still dragging today. Lounging in bed while doing laundry.

April 26-27, 2024, Saturday afternoon, 1:58pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point,California,USA. I have been having health issues the past couple weeks. The pain in my diaphragm area is getting more persistent. I feel if I remove myself from stress it would resolve but I don’t know how to do that without altering my entire way of life. I guess I have no choice but to work until something terrible happens. This is so unfortunate. I actually like my job but the grind is destroying me. I can’t keep up this pace.

April 25, 2024, Thursday night, 8:00pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point,California, USA. Went to a volunteer breakfast in Bakersfield this morning and met a friend for drinks in Buena Park this afternoon. I got back to Dana Point just after 5:30pm. I watched some of the NFL draft and texted with friends. Now I am going to read and go to bed so I can take my daughter to school in the morning.

April 24, 2024, Wednesday evening, 6:29pm, pacific standard time, hotel room in Bakersfield, California, USA. Finished all my stressful meetings today at round noon. Then I went to the Bakersfield branch before returning back to the hotel. Had dinner then called my mom to catch up on the latest news from wyoming. Not much happening but it was good to hear her voice. I feel much more relaxed. It has been a long week already. I look forward to going to bed and having a good nights sleep.

April 23, 2024, Tuesday afternoon, 5:12pm, pacific standard time, hotel room in Bakersfield,California,USA. I told my business development counterpart I was feeling fried today. She said the same thing. Too many demands from too many places. It was a long day. Lots of meetings and reports. Tomorrow is filled with more meetings. After that it should slow down until The region president visits next week. I have some slides to prepare but I am going to hold off until morning. I don’t have the energy to grind any more today.

April 21-22, 2024, Sunday-Monday evening, 6:28pm, pacific standard time, hotel room in Bakersfield, California,USA. I took care of maintenance on my work car Sunday. Got the oil changed, washed the exterior and filled it up with gas. I also got a haircut yesterday. This afternoon I drove to Bakersfield to meet with staff and complete reports. The branch has been having some issues and I wanted to support the Director. The next two days will be busy. Lots of things to prep for and present. At least being preoccupied with work leaves less time for existential reflection. I kind of over did it in Arizona last week. Physically and mentally. No more nostalgia trips for a while.

April 20, 2024, Saturday night, 11:07pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point,California,USA. Went and saw one of my daughters friends in a high school production of Footloose, The Musical. It was pretty entertaining. Even though performance ran long I am glad we went. The friend and her parents are moving to South Carolina at the end of summer. we won’t have many more opportunities to get together.

April 19, 2024, Friday night, 7:53pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point,California,USA. I am not feeling it at work any more. I don’t have the edge. I am less stressed over day to day needs but feel guilty that I am not pulling my weight. Not sure what to think. This last week it became clear out of the four area leaders I am the most qualified. Which means there is not the usual threat of losing my job. That is a darkness I have known far too many times. The real threat is my internal voice sabotaging my career before I get started. I need to calm down and take one day at a time.