Monday Morning

5:46am Sunday night from 2pm until going to work on Monday morning is the most desperate time of existence. This day needs to start so it can get over with.

Sunday night

6:53pm going to bed early. It has been a lazy day.

Friday night

7:30pm Friday. Grabbed pizza on way home. Rough day. Leaving it in the past. Ready to go to bed and sleep it off

Night

8:30pm feels so late but not really. I have been going to bed later. Nothing to add. Just checking in

Brave

I do not believe I have the courage to be honest. I am not brazen.

I am so secretive and walled off. John prine said he lives deep down inside his head. That resonates with me. I built thick walls and buried my emotions

Producing

I have stopped creating for the most part because I felt it didn’t go anywhere.

I am almost 49 and I feel my worth is diminished. In the last ten years I have bounced between 11 jobs. I have spent savings retirement and have debt.

My wife and I are separated. I no longer speak to the woman I love. Sex is a shallow dangerous encounters with strangers I treat as a party favor .

I don’t want to admit who I truly am or truly am not so I just retreat farther into my mind and the hollow shadows of meaningless existence

Next step

My introverted self only takes relationships to a superficial level. In order to achieve my objective I need to develop more interpersonal skills. I had a great lunch really connected. But on a personal level that is all I usually do. I don’t have close friends I talk with regularly or build close relationships. I am good at going to the lunch, small talk, making plans but not following through. Hence why I am not consistent and I don’t sustain growth