5:04pm, pacific standard time, post office parking lot, Dana Point, California, USA, Friday evening, May 27, 2022. Decided to leave early for California to beat holiday traffic. Came through San Diego, which was actually faster this time. I told everyone I was getting in around seven. For some reason I don’t want to show up early. Maybe I will try and get a haircut.
Category: alone
Monday, May 23
3:32pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday afternoon, May 23, 2022. After the game yesterday we ran a couple errands. Afterwards, it was too late to drive back to Arizona so I left first thing this morning. Another quiet day. No updates on the interviews from last week nor closure with the previous position.
Slow day
2:50pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday afternoon, May 18, 2022. Last night I went to dinner with a friend in Glendale, but today hasn’t been productive. I am going to shower then run errands. Time to get out of the house for a while.
Utah update: May 15
7:13am, pacific standard time, airport in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA, Sunday morning, May 15, 2022. We left Henderson early yesterday morning and drove straight to Mesquite, Nevada. After gambling a little our trip continued north. We arrived in Salt Lake City at 4pm. For dinner we selected burgers and beers downturn. When we finished mom was tired and wanted to turn in for the evening. I dropped her off at the hotel and continued on alone, driving around for a couple of hours, visiting various places, taking stock of what was new. So much has changed since I lived here, yet it all looks so familiar. A lot of memories are rushing through my mind right now. It is an emotional morning.
Last day of vacation
6:06pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday evening, April 24, 2022, last day of vacation. My vacation has drawn to a close. I will go to work in the morning and engage in familiar tasks. I do not dread going back as much as I suspected; having too much free time was getting old. Nonetheless, I do not feel particularly committed to the company, nor do I feel committed to. That makes things awkward. It should be an interesting week.
You wouldn’t think you could feel so empty
6:29pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, April 12, 2022. Our pet betta fish was dead when I got home from work yesterday. She had been sick for a while so it wasn’t really a big surprise. Still, that doesn’t make it easier to accept. Every time I walk through the kitchen I am reminded she’s not there. Her aquarium was cleaned and put away last night, replaced by an empty space on the kitchen counter, right below the cabinet where the coffee is stored. You wouldn’t think you could feel so empty, just because a little fish is gone, but you’d be wrong. Without another living thing to keep me company the silence becomes even more depressing. I am glad she isn’t suffering any more but, right now, I really miss her.
Might as well be Sunday
11:25am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, April 10, 2022. The usual Sunday anxiety is bad today, even more so than usual. No matter what I do there is no respite. Ironically, that has made me productive. I worked on my personal expenses, then filled out an application for ecclesiastical endorsement in preparation for pursuing Chaplain work. After that I cleaned the house a little. There is nothing to feel bad about, so why do I feel anxious? It is easy to blame the stress at work but, honestly, that isn’t the issue. Maybe there is no explanation. In the end, some day of the week has to be the worst, might as well be Sunday.
Always ends up being wrong
Written 6:09pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday evening, March 29, 2022. The office will permanently close soon. Two tense meetings yesterday pointing out a “lack of viability” made that clear. What does it mean for me, my family, our future if this office closes? I could stay in Arizona, get a new job, see what next year looks like. I could look for a job in California like I planned, but last month I applied and interviewed for a job in Orange County and it wasn’t a great experience. I could pack everything up, go to Wyoming/Utah, be close to my mom (she will be 80 this year). I could try someplace new (Las Vegas?) I am frustrated. I can’t keep looking for-and taking- jobs I don’t have the talent or desire to do. I am caught in a vicious circle; my resume and financial needs keep me looking for executive jobs, and I am good enough to get them. But after a year (if not sooner) we are sick of each other and disappointed with the results. It is absurd. I need to make a change. There is creative energy that flows pure in my heart. I want to honor and pursue that. Where does it lead, if anywhere? Can I set ego and practicality aside? Am I selfish for wanting to change? No matter what the choice, it always ends up being wrong.
Not much going on, I got a haircut
6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, March 21, 2022. The drive to Arizona yesterday was exhausting. I left Orange County a quarter after eleven, stopped for gas and a quick haircut (the first in over two years, my daughters mom has been cutting my hair since March of 2020), then was on the road by noon. I noticed yesterday morning the East bound interstate was closed for construction around Glendale (Arizona) so I factored in extra drive time. However, about sixty miles from Phoenix, GPS started adding large chunks of time. Apparently, in addition to construction, a major accident was backing traffic up significantly. The result was a long, slow, detour through crowded industrial areas on the west side of Phoenix. By the time I walked in the door of the apartment at 6:30pm I was tired and cranky. I let everyone know I arrived safely before eating dinner and going to bed. Now it is time to get ready for another week of work.
It probably doesn’t matter
8:02am, Blythe, California, Saturday morning, March 19, 2022. Stopped just across the state line to rest for a bit and grab a cup of coffee. This morning started slow. I overslept and was in a hurry to make up time. Unfortunately, I got even further behind because of heavy construction traffic outside Phoenix. All those factors, coupled with the start of daylight savings time, has me in a bad mood. I should really let it go though, we don’t have any plans, so it probably doesn’t matter.
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