Category: alone

January 12

3:23pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, January 12, 2022. A year ago today I started writing this blog in present form. I had been laid off from my job, my family had moved out and I felt terribly isolated. There were so many unanswered questions swirling in my mind: Where would I find work? How would I pay my bills? Where would I live? Who cared about me as a person? Some of those questions have been answered, some still unresolved. Regardless, I am in a better place than I was last year and being able to look back gives me appreciation for where I am and what I went through.

Sunday Afternoon, January 2, 2022

3:33pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Sunday afternoon, January 2, 2022. I woke up late this morning, which meant not going for a walk or working out because I had to drive to the office and enter payroll before 10am. I finished early and was out of there before 9. Other than that I haven’t been productive today at all. The family left yesterday at 2pm. We went shopping and grabbed lunch before they got on the road. They arrived in Orange County at 8pm pacific time which meant I was already asleep by the time my daughter texted to let me know. I took down the apartment’s Christmas decorations last evening. Perhaps that was a mistake. Now the place looks as empty as it feels. The post-holiday let down coupled with everyone leaving is depressing. Vacation is over, spending time with my family has past and I am feeling very alone right now.

Haunted

11:40am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Monday morning, December 20, 2021. Trapped in my office, frustration does not abate. I used to find solace dreaming of carefree summer days. Now, idle time haunts me more aggressively than the pointless work I despise.

Feels like a typical Monday

6:02am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Monday morning, December 13, 2021. It feels like a typical Monday. I am grouchy, everything annoys me, and time can’t move fast enough. Nothing is particularly wrong, yet everything gets on my nerves. The drive yesterday was fine. I left Dana Point around 10:30am Pacific (11:30am Arizona), stopped once in Palm Desert and made it to Chandler before sunset. Then I went to bed early and didn’t get up until 5:30am, which means I skipped my morning workout. Maybe that is why I am irritated, too much sleep and not enough exercise.

Will I ever be social again?

10:34am, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Friday morning, December 10, 2021. I spend the vast majority of my time sitting silently alone, watching entertainment content on electronic devices, usually while eating food and/or drinking alcohol. We are talking tens of thousands of good youthful energetic hours wasted passively consuming the activities and relationships of others, while I do next to nothing. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I go out and live my life? It is not a stretch to say I am addicted to this behavior. I crave it, I fantasize about it and I plan my life around it. Is voyeurism really so much more appealing than actually being with people? Do I not know how to enjoy the company of others? Will I ever be social again?

Fight for survival

5:28am Tuesday. It rained on my walk this morning. Little drizzling drops giving way to wet and steady precipitation. The rain was colder than I expected. I took my phone with me because I was trying to track distance. Normally I don’t have my phone. The girls at work convinced me to join an activity that requires using an app. When the rain started I had no choice but to run so as to make it home before I was soaked and my phone was ruined. When I arrived back at my place I began to towel off. And there I realized I a nagging truth. I am unremarkable, some might say, below average. Inside me is a fight for survival, success, relevance? But am I doomed to strive and never achieve?

Friday morning

5:57am Friday morning. I couldn’t go back to bed Friday morning because my phone buzzed repeatedly. Feeling annoyed I quickly dressed and, without much thought otherwise, set out on a walk. It was early, the street was quiet, and I made my way east in the darkness. For a moment I thought I saw a woman across the road. But a brief flicker of headlights proved otherwise. I was as alone outside as I was in my apartment before I left.