Tuesday morning

7:03am Tuesday morning. No matter where I go or what I do I nothing is different because the beast inside my chest remains. In changes it’s name, it’s power source but the overwhelming anxiety stays in me forever. I change circumstances but I don’t change the eternal internal aggression eating away in my sternum. That is life and will be until I die

Monday morning

6:12am Monday morning. What is there to fight for, to live for, to die for? What are my hopes but random thoughts that made me feel good instead of bad? I no longer fashion a “life” that is consistently valuable, I strive for single moments that are simply less painful.

Sunday morning

6:56am Sunday morning. And life reaches a point where you are in a moment. Not missing the last, no focused on the future. Just alive. The moments are rare but they do exist.

Tuesday night

10:49pm Tuesday night. Just checking in. Always just checking in.

Thursday morning

5:46am Thursday morning. My dreams were filled with thoughts of running away, starting over, going some place new and feeling reborn. Memories of childhood flashed through my mind and tears welled in my eyes. Why is it so hard to find peace? Where can I go to feel contentment? To feel the storm inside me calm even if just for a moment?

Sunday

7:48am On Sunday I woke up and made a pot of coffee. The alcohol from the night before made my mouth dry and I needed to wake up. I drank two cups without cream, showered, then headed across town.

Saturday night

8:01pm the store i wanted to go to is four miles from my house. I wanted to shop and leave. The parking lot was a nightmare. I sat waiting to turn right. Finally I went around the block and came home from the other direction.

Saturday

6:25am Arizona. On Saturday I woke up late and took a walk through the neighborhood. Dark thin clouds with sun lit edges crowded the eastern sky. Heat from the sidewalk made the air feel wet and thick. I slowed my pace to keep cool. When I returned I made toast and eggs for breakfast then went downstairs to check the post box. There was a law enforcement notice from Washington state addressed to a name I did not recognize. I thought about opening it but decided not to. I put it on a pile of unopened mail and went to take a shower.

Tuesday night

7:47pm I get tired a lot. When something doesn’t interest me I lose focus. Especially when someone is talking to me. I don’t like people talking to me. I hear sounds and movement but it is removed from context. Like watching cows chew grass. I want to go somewhere and not see another person. At least until I get bored. Then I would appreciate someone talking to me again.

Feeling

5:42am I don’t feel much any more. My emotions are too scarred from years of anxious thought. What is the point of recounting the past? I am not who I once was. I will never will be that version of me again. A fleeting glimpse of the sun bursting through fluffy clouds above the mountains. Being intimate with the woman I love. Long drives through parts of northern Utah only I know. For so long I held on to those thoughts. Cherished them. Now they only remind me that I will disappear from the earth. I will die just as will everything I love.