Drive

10:15am The drive to California irritated me. I couldn’t relax. Heavy dust blew across the road, causing trucks to swerve in the narrow lanes. The sun heated the windshield and stifled the air. My phone buzzed with the constant ding of new messages. I worried for my safety and wondered what work I was missing. I longed to be somewhere safe and quiet. Away from the noise, the motion and the incessant calling. I regretted setting an appointment for today. I had set aside this time to be free. Now I cornered myself into obligation. The realization made the miles go even slower.

Thursday morning

5:29am I got up this morning feeling tired. I put on my clothes and took a walk. As I walked under dim streetlights I asked a question; What would I think if I were dropped into this life with no pretext? I am a hospice director in Phoenix with my family living in California. Would I be surprised by the job? Disappointed I am not with my family? I imagine myself creative. A writer, actor, musician. why do I not do that as my “job?” I have a wife and a daughter. Aren’t I lonely being apart from them?

Stay put

7:24am a part of me keeps trying to get out of stress. Another part of me tries to stay. I don’t know if I want to change. The dominant force wins. the chaos of work, of being in Arizona, changing jobs all the time is how I figured out what I wanted to give my daughter. A life in Orange County. Maybe it is madness. Maybe when I look back it will all make sense. Whatever the case I always say I want to change but never do. There has to be a reason. I choose to keep living this way

Tuesday morning

5:39am It feels like a lightening storm is going off in my brain. I have all these thoughts that flash bright then disappear. There are so many things I want but don’t know how to get. I miss Orange County. I miss my daughter. I miss seeing her everyday and taking her to activities. I want to succeed professionally. I want a stable income. I want to stay in Arizona. I want to move. I want to buy a house. I want to quit. It is emotionally draining. I have the Denver interview today at 8am. I have my one on one with my supervisor at 11:30am.

Depressing

12:10pm it is always a little depressing when my family leaves. I look forward to having them so I enjoy the anticipation of their arrival. Then they are here and we have fun. Now they are gone. There is no anticipation and nothing to do. I have sat around all morning just numb.

Different person

3:40pm. In the grocery store parking lot. I am bored and killing time until 5pm. I bought some lunch items for next week and a six pack of beer. I am ready for the weekend. I realize I am a different person in my mind. In my head I am suave. I communicate with confidence. in real life I am quiet. Low energy. People drain me. I want to be alone.

More than a feeling

9:44am Wednesday. I had to run out to a community this morning to get a revocation form signed for a hospice patient that chose to go to the hospital. After I got the form signed I drove home Instead of going back to the office. I made myself a bowl of sugar cereal. Cereal seems such an odd concept. Sugary crispy ground up corn with milk poured over it. It tasted good. Just seems odd at the moment. This morning driving to work I bawled my eyes out. Not eyes slightly watering. True tears running down my cheeks sobbing bawling. I had been thinking all morning about quitting my job, becoming a PRN chaplain. Doing what I love instead of stressing all the time. I didn’t want to go to work. I wanted to blow the day off, go for a drive, watch a movie. Write something. But left for work at my usual time and took my usual route. Halfway there the song More Than a Feeling by the band Boston came on the radio. After the morning I had I set myself up to be emotionally vulnerable. The lyrics of the song coupled with the memories associated with hearing it hit me hard. I could not stop crying. I had a hard time concentrating on the road. I drove the rest of the way singing and wiping tears off my cheek. I got to the office about ten minutes to 8am and took a minute to compose myself. When I felt better I grabbed my bag, locked my car up and walked in. I am not crying any more I feel haunted by memories. “So many people have come and gone. Their faces fade as the years go by. Yet I still recall as I wander on. As clear as the sun in the summer sky.”