Category: alone

Whirlwind

5:53am it has been a whirlwind. No stability, no security. I want to have a house again. Feel I can get a dog. Have a routine. I have been in Arizona less than five months. It feels unstable. Like it will crumble at any time. I can’t buy a house, get a dog. My life is chaos. I feel so overwhelmed

Last week

6:27am memories of last week have been coming back all morning. I loved waking up and taking the dog for a walk. Going to work out or staying at the apartment drinking coffee. The place was filled with love and life. Now it feels empty. I look forward to them coming back soon.

Surreal

3:32pm the family being gone and back in Orange County makes today feel surreal. Like time opened up and offered a different reality. I had been here alone for months.When they were here it was a new experience. The apartment felt more comfortable, work felt less consuming. Now they have left. I washed the sheets and cleaned the counters. everything is back to how it was before they came.

Family left

6:29am my family has packed up and left. Now the apartment is quiet. Uncluttered. The quiet isn’t better. But it isn’t worse. It is just a different way to live. What is the best way to live? The easy answer is surrounded by people. Engaged in relationships. Part of a group. But that isn’t always the case. There is value in being alone. Taking time to explore the inner world. Personally, solitude restores my spirit. When I am with my wife and daughter I feel swirling chaos. Particularly with my wife. Her parenting style is frenetic. Being with her makes me feel overwhelmed. Helpless. Frustrated. That is who she is, how she parents. I accept it but I look forward to a time when my daughter is older. When we can spend more time together. She will reach a point where she wants to explore the world. I want to give her the opportunity to do that. I think my wife has more interest in keeping her vulnerable.

Justified

5:46am A lot of energy goes into lamenting who I am not. I mourn the person I failed to become. I wonder about the paths I did not travel. I feel I have to prove I made right choices. That arriving here and now was the best outcome. I spend a lot of time in these posts trying to improve. Change my attitude, my approach. I believe if I achieve quantifiable results in tenure, money, census I will justified