Category: Embarrassing

Thursday update

Apartment 5:30am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, April 14, 2022. I want to quit this job and move on. Things have gone south, they have lost confidence in me. I am not going to win. Another possibility appeared on the walk this morning; stay in Phoenix and become a chaplain. 9:13am office Phoenix. The morning hasn’t been too bad. Getting things done. I am planning on taking pto then resigning on the Monday I come back.

Because we choose to destroy it

6:37pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, April 13, 2022. There are seldom moments of tranquility found in the ocean of life. For various reasons, and I have listed many in the past, contentment does not last. That is because, on a base level, we enjoy seeking out challenge to froth up stress in our lives. Happiness isn’t fleeting because it is ephemeral, but because we choose to destroy it. After all, nothing enlivens a person more than almost dying.

My audience is disappearing

6:44pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Friday evening, April 1, 2022. Like most people, I have kept a running dialogue in my head with an imaginary audience since I was old enough to remember. Over the years that audience has consisted of many different entities; a vaguely defined cluster of friends, a camera crew, even God. It was cathartic believing someone, or something, cared about my most inner thoughts. After all, very few people have the time to listen, or regard, what others say. Consequently, to truly feel known, I didn’t see much recourse other than creating an eager fan base, imagined or otherwise. That started to change over the last couple of weeks. Writing consistently has alleviated my soul’s lonely drowning sensation and the need to concoct acceptance. My imaginary audience is disappearing. I am known (on some small level, but known nonetheless) through taking the time to write this post and share it with you.

I have a fantasy about quitting my job

I have a fantasy about quitting my job. There would be no notice, no communication and no plan; just go in early, drop off my keys, box of my personal effects and leave a note behind. From there I would head west to Las Vegas through Lake Havasu and Bullhead City/Laughlin before staying the night in Henderson. It would be glorious. No stress, no worry, no overwhelming frustration. Just me on a new adventure, waking up in Nevada, going for a walk, working out and sipping coffee before getting back in my car and driving to Wyoming. I haven’t been to Wyoming in over a year. There I could relax, recharge my energy, get my head straight and truly replenish before making one last drive down the hill to Utah; the place of my happiest memories and greatest professional triumphs. The place where my energy flows strong and positive. There, I could reclaim what I have lost and be me again. I would have my power, my spirit and my energy in alignment and…then what would I do? The whole thing sounds great up to that point. Then I become uncertain. What is the last piece? What would I do that is meaningful, enjoyable and productive? The scenario is like a classic tile slide puzzle. I can move the squares around and even get most of the tiles in place but, I can never quite bring the entire picture together.

Is this weird?

5:56pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Monday evening, December 06, 2021. I have to share something I find disconcerting, please tell me what you think. In an attempt to save money the company I work for has us collect pre-employment drug screen urine samples in the office. That means the social worker I hired, who is female, will come to the office for the soul purpose of peeing. It will be the first time we meet face-to-face. I am to walk her to the bathroom and stand outside so she can do her thing. When she comes out she is to hand me her pee so I can ship it to an out-of-state lab. I have to ask: Is that weird? It feels extremely weird. For both of us. I bribed an assistant with free breakfast tomorrow to collect the sample.

Letter

5:49am Dear Mike, if you are reading this in the future you want to know what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing on this particular day. 6:06am I stopped writing this post for a moment. I had to think. If I am writing something that only future me would see I would share things I keep hidden from other people. Things that would really remind me what I am going through on this day. But sharing those things beyond a letter to only future me could be potentially awkward. Everyday I do weird things. I have thoughts about intimacy and sex. I have interactions with people I don’t mention. I leave all that stuff out because I don’t want people like my wife, my daughter, my mom or the WIL to know about them. But that is what I am going through. That is who I truly am. How do I reconcile writing honestly for myself and others? I am quiet. I am reserved. I am in a position of leadership. I have been a spiritual counselor. How would people react if they knew I had a “dark” side? That I have desires? I feel secretive, deceptive, dishonest. Do all people have things they hide and would be embarrassed if people found out?

Embarrassing

8:07am I started going through posts to categorize them and add tags. I also added an archive that makes it easier to search by month. That led me to discover this post from over two years ago. It was the first post of this blog. My initial instinct was to delete it. I am embarrassed. Back in the summer of 2017 I quit my job to try and be an entrepreneur. I wrote a couple of books (pamphlets really) about quitting work and starting your own business. Since I was trying to be an entrepreneur the material fit where I was at. I will have to make a category called “embarrassing.” I am sure there are others I would rather not share.

Midnight

12:05am Saturday night/Sunday morning. I am in my apartment. I can’t sleep. I was awakened by a strange noise. an intermittent plastic clicking sound. I assumed it was the blinds hitting each other in the dining room because I had left the fans on to circulate the air. That had to be it. the blinds were swaying in the draft made by the fans. They were knocking against each other and making a noise. I got up and turned off all the fans. But the noise continued. I was perplexed and a annoyed. What was making that noise? I walked around the apartment trying to locate the source. I went into the living room, the dining room and the kitchen but couldn’t identify what was causing it. I wanted to give up but it was nagging me. Finally I realized The sound wasn’t coming from outside the bedroom. It was coming from inside the bedroom. Something in my room was making the sound. I followed the noise until I found the source. It was in the hallway/closet area leading to the master bath. A distinct clicking sound. Once I discovered the source I realized that wasn’t the only sound. there was another noise. The sound of an animal scurrying. My adrenaline started to flow. What was it? Did I have mice, rats or something else in my closet? What should I do? Should I call an exterminator? Should I take care of it myself? Was it dangerous? Rabid? Did I have the means to kill it? My mind raced. I couldn’t formulate a plan or figure out what to do. Then I heard the noise again. It wasn’t coming from the closet. It was coming from the light fixture in the hallway. The clicking sound followed by the scurrying. I stared at the light for a minute or two. What was it? Something trapped in the ceiling? In the wall? I couldn’t decide what to do. Finally I flipped the light switch on to see better. When I did that I could see the problem. It wasn’t an animal caught in my ceiling. It was a bug. A giant bug. A giant bug trapped in the fixture trying to get out. It looks like a cockroach. It is big enough to make a loud noise as it hits the cover. I am relived I found the source. Now what do I do? I don’t like the noise but I don’t really want to remove the cover, unleash a cockroach in my bedroom and try to hunt it down. I will just make it through the night and assess the situation in the morning. Though I have a feeling I will be sleeping uneasy and having dreams about bugs.

Check in

10:39am Monday morning. I am at work in South Phoenix. I stepped out of the office to use the bathroom. Now I am on the other side of the building. We have to leave the office to use the bathroom. There isn’t a toilet in our office. Everyone has to walk out into one of the lobbies. There is a lobby on the north side. But it is busy. And everyone knows what you are doing when you go use it. I like to walk around the back to the south side lobby. It has more privacy and the extra exercise doesn’t hurt. We had our sales meeting this morning. It devolved into frustration about the recent sale and lack of support from referral partners. It doesn’t help to complain but it feels good to vent. I like my job but I am tired of failure. I want to have success, not just get by. Even if my employers are patient it still wears me out.