4:45pm I am having a a self defeating afternoon…according to urban dictionary: a Fail Clown is, “person who fails colossally or is incompetent on a galactic scale, while at the same time not noticing, or worse, thinks they are doing great”
1:14pm I left the office to go visit a facility. I am going to get a contract updated. I needed to get out of the office and interact with someone. When I left I realized I had a big yogurt stain in the crotch of my pants. Not a good look. I just pulled in to my apartment complex. I will go change then head out. Elaborating more on living in my head; social interactions, business meetings, dating. In my mind I am amazing and successful at these things. In reality I feel inadequate. I don’t do good in those settings. In my mind I am a winner. In real life I feel defeated. I take the “L.” I stay in my mind because there I always have the answer. In my mind I am charismatic. In my mind I am a better version of me.
8:19am I can’t change who I am. I sell myself as a good salesperson or director. I hang around until I am exposed. I move on to the next job. I hate failing. I don’t like letting people down. I am what I am.
8:13pm I didn’t sit in my office chair very often today at work. The constipation was a little better. Sitting in the chair + Arizona heat is too much. Side note: work SUCKS. Not for usual reasons like previous nine jobs. I am sick of the ineptitude of my team and the entitlement of our referral sources. I need a vacation
5:27am Thursday. I don’t know if I can be honest. Weird post: I am dealing with constipation. It has been a week. It scares me. My dad died of a bowel obstruction. I am feeling mortal
2:08pm at the office. I got into an extremely grouchy mood all of the sudden. I locked myself in my office at work. I probably shouldn’t interact with people. I am in a bad mood
4:35pm at the office. I realize I have an imaginary audience so I don’t feel isolated. I figured changing my mindset to a “real” audience would eliminate the need for imaginary friends. but I am not always around people. And they don’t always care what I think. With my audience I have a group of people I can share my thoughts with. That keep me company. Care about what I am doing.
6:01am the last nine years have been a mess. I don’t feel like trying to categorize them. They are lost years. I am not sure what I accomplished. I don’t know what I was trying to achieve. I assumed I would find success. whatever that vague term means. I picked a line to ski down the mountain. Maybe when i look back it will all make sense. i am still on a journey.
5:37am I did not have a lot to say yesterday. I was still feeling run down. I sent an email to a wrong person causing embarrassment. I missed my exit coming home. I was not attentive. Today feels better. Operations review this afternoon. A couple of other meetings. I am not as confident. Friday drained me. Yesterday wasn’t better. I believe it is good. I need to find a pace I can sustain. Not be overly high or low.
What is honest? Can I be too honest? Is honesty liberating. Is honesty confining? shameful? Do i help myself being honest? Do I hurt myself? Do I help others or do I recklessly hurt people being honest?
I have anxiety I limit my options ‘my outs’ if I am too honest. Honesty is a burden that cages me into only one way of being. It makes me answer uncomfortable questions, stand by stupid mistakes, own embarrassment and wear guilt.
Honesty is a multi layered concept. Even now I measure what detail to admit.
mikemeyer949 