Category: Happy

Walk

5:50am There was no rain this morning so I went for a walk. I circled the block then cut right into the adjacent neighborhood. Fallen tree limbs from last nights storm cluttered portions of the side walk. Giant bugs with buzzing wings attempted flight to avoid my steps. I became distracted thinking about sports statistics. The tension in my throat eased and for a fifteen minutes I was at peace. It was a good walk.

Monday

6:02am despite sleeping in I still feel tired. I woke up, sent an email declining to interview further for the Denver job then made myself a cup of coffee. I try to remove myself from stress by being objective. I tell myself, “this is just one moment. It will be over soon.” Or, “once the job is over the stress disappears.” That helps a little. I sip my coffee, open the blinds and look at the sun through red clouds.

Walking

8:45am After that, I went for walks by myself up the hill behind our old home. The strolls took on a different energy after the move. I was a tourist, not a resident. When I lived there I returned to our apartment after a walk, made breakfast and watched the morning sun shimmer on homes across the way. Now I get in my car and drive away. Who is to say which is best? My ego wants the home with the ocean view. But was I happier? No.

Illusion

6:46am that the illusion was shattered. I could find happiness for a moment but perpetual bliss did not exist. Happiness existed in the ephemera. A time making love, a fleeting memory. lunch with a friend. Those were times I could feel alive. At peace and hopeful. But they were mere grains of precious metal in a bin of the messy dirt of everyday life. The meetings, trudging to work, forms and fights that overwhelm existence. All we ever have are the moments.

Holding on

5:32 on the walk this morning you made an observation. You were thinking about making more money and retiring debt. As you thought about your money strategy you felt alive. Your energy flowed positive. Solving the issue is an engaging adventure. When you focus on the dilemma your anxiety melts away. On the other hand when you think about “holding on” the opposite is true. Holding on is trying to maintain a job, stay in an apartment or live in a certain city. Holding on makes you vulnerable. It poisons your energy. It invites attack. It makes bosses and circumstances adversaries that must be endured. Holding on doesn’t last long and it is tortuous. You vow right now to stay focused on the situation at hand and not just hold on.

Sunday morning

9:20am you are in the bedroom in Dana point. You woke up this morning and went for a walk with the dog. You got gas and washed the car, bought treats for the dog then coffee with breakfast for everyone. Your daughter is showing you videos she made. She is being so creative. She is proud and happy. That is all you care about in the world.

Palm desert

8:54am this morning on the drive from Phoenix to palm desert you had a great experience. The landscape reminded you of the drive from wendover back to Salt Lake City. You remembered Saturday’s in the fall, driving out to wendover, reading the newspaper and making bets on football games. then driving back listening to game highlights on the radio. You remembered how content and happy you were on those drives. That made you think about how when this job ends you will accept it. Then you thought about getting another job. When you think about getting a sales/operations job your energy feels like poison. When you think about writing/chaplain or something new it feels pure. You are on the right track. You love these Saturday morning drives to see your daughter. Stopping to get coffee and donuts. Listening to music and books on tape. you are happy today.

Check in

9pm in bed in the apartment. I grabbed burgers on the way home from work. The girls and wife were at an activity center. just me, the dog and the fish at home for almost two hours. I ate a burger and leftovers. I am stuffed. I watched some shows until they got home Then we played games as a family. Good evening all around. I am ready to fall asleep.