7:40pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Tuesday night, July 26, 2022. Took care of more HR things for the new job this morning which, was actually nice to do. It feels good to be wanted for a change. Side note: I never heard back from the Rancho Cucamonga group; Not since I accepted the job nor when I rescinded my acceptance. Probably for the best that didn’t work out. This week I am getting ready for the family to visit starting Saturday. This afternoon I went to the store and bought new beach towels for everyone to use at the pool. I am excited to have a full house with the girls and the dog. Being alone is starting to get lonely.
Category: Relationships
Living situations
5:20pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Sunday evening, July 24, 2022. Discussed living situations with my daughter’s mom yesterday. Nothing definitive was decided. She is going to stay in Dana Point until January and I still have the apartment in Chandler until March. That buys us time to discern the best course of action. I will start my job next month and see what the travel schedule looks like before making a final decision.
The truck
6:00pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday evening, July 20, 2022. I listed my truck for sale this morning before taking it to a car wash for a deep clean and shine. There have been no responses to the ad yet, but I will sell it one way or the other before too long. That is a hard thing to say. I have owned the truck for over 12 years, the longest of any vehicle in my life. But I can’t keep it. I don’t want to insure it, nor do I want to take it back to California and re-register it. However, letting it go will be sorrowful. In many ways the truck has been a comforting touchstone of the past. Ten years ago we took a family vacation to South Dakota in it. At that time life was violently unstable. We were moving from Utah to California and had not settled in, nor were we sure we would stay together as a family. We were strained and stressed by many issues, mostly of my doing. The truck was a self-contained safe haven; inside the cab there was no sadness, frustration or anger, just our small family, driving around Wyoming and South Dakota, dodging thunderstorms, drinking coffee and enjoying being together. Alas, nothing lasts forever. After a week the vacation was over and life went on. To the point where now the truck is old and needs significant repairs (kind of like our marriage?) I guess eventually that is how everything goes; at some point you have to say good bye and realize, no matter what, all good things come to an end.
The future
5:22pm, pacific standard time, Salt Creek Beach, Dana Point, California, USA, Saturday afternoon, July 16, 2022. Drove to California this morning, had a good conversation with my daughter’s mom about work, living arrangements and the future. We will do what is best for us our daughter, whatever that takes. At the beach right now. Tried to connect with my best friend from high school who is in town this weekend but, he is at Disneyland . Might be too much for him, and me, to get together today.
Inadvertent scare
5:33pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday evening, June 22, 2022. Another day, another interview. This one was a brief meeting with a new recruiter concerning a position here in the valley. I said I was willing to move forward but, to be honest, it is not really the right job for me. Also, this afternoon, I wrote follow up emails from yesterdays interviews and scheduled two more meetings for the rest of the week. On a personal note, my daughter’s mom texted this morning saying our daughter was exposed to Covid yesterday. Apparently, there is no concern unless she starts showing symptoms. Of course, as a concerned parent, I texted my daughter to see how she was feeling and to say I was worried about her. She was surprised. Apparently, the information was conveyed to her mom after she had gone to morning summer classes, but my daughter herself had not heard about the situation. The good news is, no issues so far. The bad news, I inadvertently gave her a scare.
Travel to California
8:53pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Dana Point, California, USA, Thursday night, June 9, 2022. Drove from Chandler, Arizona to Dana Point, California today. After arriving in town I took my daughter and her friend to the mall to buy a birthday present, since yesterday was her mom’s birthday. We ate dinner at the food court. Now I am going to take the dog out and go to bed. Tomorrow at ten am is my daughter’s 8th grade promotion.
Monday after Mother’s Day
5:24am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 9, 2022. Yesterday was fun. We drove to Tucson in the morning, traveled around the city a little and looked for a place to eat. Most of the restaurants were crowded on account of it being Mother’s Day weekend so we decided to go back to the apartment and have leftovers. In the afternoon we went for a short walk, watched a movie and ate ice cream. Overall it was a pretty good day. On a different note, big changes are occurring at work. I am adopting a one day at a time approach, not only to the current situation but to what may come in the future.
Mother’s Day 2022
7:35am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Sunday morning, May 8, 2022. Thinking about driving south today. My mom mentioned she wanted to visit Tucson. That wouldn’t be a bad way to celebrate Mother’s Day. Go for a drive, get something to eat, come home and take a nap. I ordered her a new electronic tablet as a Mother’s Day gift. It should come early next week. She will enjoy that more than anything else I could get her. It will be from the whole family because it is a little more expensive.
The end of guilt
5:31am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Wednesday morning, May 4, 2022. Feeling guilty is a constant companion in my life. Many times, I experience guilt without knowing a single reason why. In those incidences, when I am out in the emotional cold so to speak, my mind searches for the cause of my culpability, with no result being too absurd: a long misremembered childhood incident, calling a co-worker by the wrong name or a fumbled exchange in the grocery store line. All of them silly thoughts that serve no purpose other than to create a moment of internal embarrassment that is quickly forgotten. But there are other times the cause and effect of guilt is more severe; a missed opportunity to hug a lost loved one, failing to arrive on time for an important milestone as a parent or breaking the solemn vows of marriage. In those instances the internal emotion of guilt is often profound and lasts much longer. Yet, regardless of the reason the common theme in both those cases are the guilt emanates from inside. I can no longer be in a relationship where the other person deliberately tries to make me feel guilty. Life is hard enough without someone conspiring to bring me down. Nobody deserves that. I can feel guilty enough all on my own.
Upcoming visit
5:37am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday morning, April 28, 2022. Living alone has benefits; you go to bed when you want, you control the television remote and you have final say on all home decor decisions. But there are drawbacks to living alone; without other people around it is easy to cycle on negative thoughts, feel lonely and get depressed. My mom is coming out this weekend. I am flying to Salt Lake City, Utah early Saturday morning to meet her so we can drive back to Arizona together. It will be nice to see her again (She hasn’t been out since Christmas) and it will be beneficial to have another person in the apartment for a couple weeks.
mikemeyer949 