Divorce?

6:23am, apartment in Dana Point, California, Sunday morning, April 3, 2022. The mood this weekend was awkward. Shortly after arriving in Orange County, my daughters mom made it clear she was in a bad mood and would be staying at a hotel. She didn’t say why but, it being our anniversary weekend surely was a contributing factor. I struggle with how to be supportive. On one hand, we are still married and, in many ways, still committed to each other. But it is obvious the best years of our relationship are in the past. We have drifted apart and frankly I don’t have the desire or energy to engage with her. I am no longer sure what we are accomplishing by being together. Maybe we need to make a complete break and divorce.

Wedding anniversary

6:23pm, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday evening, March 31, 2022. Tomorrow, April 1st, is our 22nd wedding anniversary. I thought about leaving early to get to California in time but, I am not sure it matters. While we are still legally married, we aren’t romantic. Consequently, the day serves as a reminder of lost promises rather than loving commitment. I will say this, through it all, we survived. Barely. Time didn’t destroy our bond as much as left it gravely wounded. We are nice to each other, supportive, even friendly. However, just below the surface, deep scars run both ways. Scratch too deep and resentment easily bubbles to the forefront. There still hasn’t been a discussion about celebrating, or even acknowledging, the milestone this weekend. We probably won’t bother. The day is awkward and has been for some time now. Best to let it pass quietly, then continue existing in the familiar and muted cordiality that has come to dominate our current lives.

What happened Saturday

5:30am, Sunday morning, March 27, 2022. Left Arizona at 5am Saturday morning and headed west. First stop, Blythe, California. After a quick bathroom break I was back on the road making good time. Just outside Palm Desert my daughters mom called. She is having issues with her car and needs to buy something new. She also needed toilet paper so I picked some up on the way into town. I made it to Dana Point at 11:30am. An hour later my daughter and I went to the post office to mail a package and pick up the mail. Then we got lunch and hit the mall, but we didn’t buy anything. Once we got home we started playing a video game and did that the rest of the night.

At the height of our love

3:15pm, at a car wash in Laguna Hills, California, Saturday afternoon, March 19, 2022. My daughters mom was having a hard morning dealing with the chaos from last nights sleepover so when I got to Dana Point I took the girls to get drinks at the local coffee shop before getting lunch. After the friend went home my daughter and I came to the car wash for a long overdo vehicle cleaning. Once the car is done we will go to the apartment and watch anime the rest of the evening. Last night at the pet store the cashier complimented my tattoo. I was kind of surprised because no one has noticed it for a long time. So long that sometimes I forget it is there, even though it takes up all my upper arm. I didn’t think much of the exchange until today an employee at the coffee shop also complimented me on the tattoo. It has been over eleven years since I got it, a testament to the love the WIL and I shared so many years ago. This week has held many flashbacks of my time in Utah, none more powerful than remembering the WIL and who we were at the height of our love.

If this is the end

8:43pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Friday night, March 18, 2022. My betta fish looks sick. I am not sure what is wrong but there seems to be an infection around her gills. I cleaned her tank earlier this evening, then went to the pet store and got a product purported to promote healing. Hopefully it works and she will be alright. I am emotionally attached to that fish. My daughter picked her out over Easter weekend last year. Since then, that fish has been my loyal housemate; eagerly greeting me when I get home from work, hoping for a couple of pinches of food before I settle in for dinner and swimming to the front of her tank every morning before I leave. She is such a part of my daily routine, I would be sad to lose her if this is the end.

The beauty I have lost

4:27pm, office in Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday afternoon, March 16, 2022. College basketball tournaments started this week. That makes me miss Utah. When we lived in Centerville I always took a week off of work to celebrate the beginning of spring. The turn of the season and the abundance of high quality basketball lifted my spirits and made me happy. It is such a beautiful time of year in Utah; wet, powerful storms blow across the mountains and leave gorgeous clouds draped against bright, blue skies. These days I don’t take time off like I used to, and I haven’t been to Utah in March since 2019. Becoming a father, losing touch with the WIL, and moving to Arizona has changed my priorities. Now I schedule my time off to coincide with my daughters spring break. I am not complaining, just remembering who I was. I am thankful for what I have gained over the years, while I still lament the beauty I have lost.

See how the year plays out

7:40pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday evening, March 9, 2022. After much thought and inner debate, I renewed my Arizona lease this afternoon. The choice was based on a number of factors; cost savings, lack of desire to move or change jobs, and perceived economic instability from current events.along those lines, my daughters mom told me the emergency plan is for the family to rendezvous at my apartment. That alone was enough to sway me but then she mentioned in California if you let your lease expire they can raise your rent to market rate, where if you renew there is a cap on the amount they are able to increase. I don’t know if that is true in Arizona, but in the end I made the decision to stay. Of course nothing is set in stone, so we will see how the year plays out.

Proud parent

6:48pm, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Thursday night, March 3, 2022. Today was the second day of parent/teacher conferences at my daughters school. It is always interesting at these things to hear about a version of your child different than you expect. All the instructors mentioned her confidence, leadership and focus. Attributes, frankly, I feared she lacked. I brought that up on one of the calls and asked the teacher to explain why I didn’t easily see those traits in her. The teacher replied home is often the place where kids get to relax, so we, as parents, don’t always see a true version of their public persona. She assured me our daughter displays all those traits and more. What’s more, she is a thoughtful wonderful person who is well on her way to becoming an amazing woman. That made me happy to hear. I can honestly say I am very proud parent tonight.

Celebration

6:44pm, apartment in Dana Point, California, Saturday night, February 19, 2022. My birthday is coming up. To celebrate my daughter and I went to a movie. Afterwards we walked around the mall where she bought anime figures and I got pants. Later, we met her mom for dinner before getting ice cream for dessert. Now se are going to finish the night watching television and playing video games.

Friday night

6:15pm, apartment in Dana Point, California, Friday evening, February 18, 2022. On the couch with my daughter and the dog. We ordered dinner for delivery and are watching her favorite show waiting for it to arrive while her mom is at work. Last night when I arrived everyone was gone except the dog. My daughter ended up staying the night at a friends. It was strange to be in the house without her, even stranger to be here alone all morning.