Category: Relationships

Too small blanket

5:14am, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Wednesday morning, December 15, 2021. A while ago I heard a financial planner share insight about his profession. He said the practice of allocating money is like, “a too small blanket on a cold night.” Every scenario can’t be addressed, something will always remain exposed. The lease on my apartment is up for renewal. If I stay in Arizona the relationship with my daughter will suffer. If I go back to Orange County I have no housing or job stability. Either way, I will give up or miss out on something. My blanket is too small.

The women I love and the places they live

4:57am, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, Thursday morning, December 09, 2021. Would the WIL hold as much power over me if she moved from Utah? Would I still think about her constantly and miss her terribly if she packed up her stuff and moved to, say, Ohio, or some other random place? Part of the reason I am so lovestruck by The WIL is she embodies the time and place in my life I hold so dear; namely, Utah in the mid-2000’s. During that time and in that area I was at my best. I worked for a good company, I loved my job and was confident in my abilities. My time was spent helping people with death and dying, surrounded by the natural beauty of the mountains and enjoying the glorious changing of seasons. All the while I obsessively and intensely loved the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. Time is frozen when I think about the WIL and Utah. There, it is always spring and she is forever young. But if she were to leave would the spell be broken? Would she lose the forever magic in my heart? Going someplace different would remove her from cherished memories. Time would cease to stand still and she would no longer have eternal youth. She would be like me; someone who has aged, a person that struggles with work and parenting, all while feeling life is slipping slowly into irrelevance. Utah is special because she is there. And subsequently, she is ethereal because she lives in Utah. It is a similar situation with my daughter and Orange County, but with a slight variation. Orange County is not so perfect as much as my daughter makes it so. I lived in Orange County for nine years. Personally and professionally it was awful. I could not keep steady employment, I was depressed (mostly from missing the WIL) and I could never get ahead financially. Yet, I still go back and I still enjoy the area because my daughter is there. But if my wife left Orange County (which for many reasons I think she should) I would not be sad. I would welcome the opportunity to start a new life and be close to my daughter. I guess, in the end, I love two places and two women for two different reasons. One because of what it once was and the other because of what it is right now. That being said, who knows, someday, under the right circumstances, I will be writing about how amazing a random place like Ohio is if a certain woman or two lived there.

I think I feel guilty

6:58pm, in my apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, December 07, 2021. Accessing the computer system at work requires a security app for remote verification on a personal device. I instructed the new employee what to download and made small talk while it installed. When a minute had passed she scrolled through the many apps cluttering her screen until she got to the last page. There, her finger hesitated over the familiar red tile of a popular dating app. We both froze and acted awkward until I looked away and pretended not to notice. Then, as if unsure what to do next, she shuffled it out of sight. We completed the set up and moved on. The whole exchange lasted less than two seconds and was quickly forgotten. I kind of feel guilty about it, but to be honest, I am not entirely sure why.

A Phone call from my Best friend

6:16pm in my apartment, chandler Arizona, Saturday evening, December 4, 2021. My best friend from high school called this evening. He was parked outside a shopping mall in Utah. We texted earlier today but haven’t talked on the phone in over a year. It was nice to talk with him. I told him I was abstaining from alcohol, he told me he was fasting. In the end we are both looking to further personal conscious our own way. I miss the philosophical conversations we had in high school and college. I am going to go out there at the beginning of the year so we can catch up.

Updates

3:40pm, in my office, Phoenix, Arizona, Wednesday, December 1, 2021. Some updates: My mom flew back to Utah/Wyoming this morning. It was a nice visit. She is going to come out again for Christmas. My daughter texted me yesterday saying she had a bad day. She didn’t respond when I tried to find out what happened but apparently the principal said she has to make up time she missed while out “sick” back in September (not sure what that means but it is probably close to a week!) My wife had big meetings at her job yesterday and last night. She is still in meetings today so I haven’t gotten details. The CEO flew in from England to meet with her. For me, I got my COVID vaccine booster shot yesterday and I am dragging ass today.

The WIL and December 1st

5:43am, Wednesday morning, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, December 1. Seven years ago I was traveling for work to the Chicago area. Thanksgiving was late that year so December 1st was the Monday after the holiday. My itinerary was to fly from Orange County to Salt Lake City and connect to Chicago, however the flight was delayed. Then it was delayed again. Before long I missed my connection to Chicago all together. The airline counter agent recommended I fly to Salt Lake City. They would pay for a hotel and book me on another flight the next morning. Doing that would minimize the odds of not making it to my destination the next day as well. While some of my fellow travelers were probably annoyed, I was ecstatic. I had been texting with the WIL the entire morning, lamenting I would be in Utah but wouldn’t get to see her. Now I was staying in a hotel the airline was paying for. She came and saw me after work that day and we got to spend a couple hours together. The memory is so strong and so meaningful for many reasons, some I will keep to myself. But it is easy to say that day stands as one of the most beautiful moments we shared in a lifetime full of them.

Leaving

9am, in Dana Point, Sunday morning. My mom and I are heading back to Arizona. It was a good weekend but a little frantic. Having my mom stay so far north created some logistics issues but nothing unmanageable. I have been thinking about the WIL a lot this trip. Of course, I am always thinking about the WIL. Some days I stuff my feelings and think I can move on. Other times I realize I can never move on.

Back to shopping

3:59pm Irvine California, shopping center, Saturday afternoon. We are back at the same shopping center as before. The girls had credits left over from the virtual reality arcade and we had to buy a birthday present. They are also shopping for cheap accessories like necklaces and rings. I ended up having to order a hoodie online for the birthday present. We need to pick it up at a store closer to Dana Point. We will leave soon and head back home to get it. This morning I took the dog for the usual walk then picked my mom up for another walk. I was so tired afterwards I took a little nap on the couch. Shortly after noon we went to lunch with the whole family plus my daughters friend and her mom before coming out to Irvine. It has been a fun weekend. I am glad to keep busy and spend time with my daughter.

Christmas tree, Irvine Spectrum, Irvine, CA

Black Friday

4:31pm at a bookstore in a shopping center, Irvine, California, Friday after thanksgiving. I am killing time at a bookstore while my daughter and her friend visit a virtual reality arcade. I took them both to see a movie. We are at the same shopping center as last night. What a difference between thanksgiving and Black Friday. Last night the place was deserted. Today we had to park on the top level of the farthest parking structure. This morning I slept until 6am then picked my mom up at 7:30am. We drove to Dana Point to walk around the harbor then back up The Street of the Golden Lantern. The grade is pretty steep on that road so by the time we got coffee and back to my wife’s apartment we were exhausted. After eating lunch we headed back north to drop my mom off at the hotel and to pick up my daughters friend. It is getting to be evening and the sun is setting. We will meet my mom and wife for dinner then take the friend back home.