Thanksgiving

10:01pm Dana Point, thanksgiving Thursday. My mom and I drove to Dana Point this morning from Chandler. Traffic wasn’t bad but we did get slowed down by an accident outside of Coachella. When we arrived some in laws had just shown up. Dinner was served early afternoon and followed up with hanging Christmas lights. Everyone went home around six then my daughter, wife and I saw a movie in Irvine. All in all not a bad way to spend thanksgiving.

Avoiding Disappointment

7:10 pm in the apartment in Arizona, Tuesday evening. I am mindful of thoughts that don’t serve my best interest. Thoughts that start out positive but lead to feelings of sadness. Those are usually thoughts of Utah and the WIL but can reference a broader spectrum of situations as well. The more aware I am of the pitfalls associated with certain thoughts the better I get at avoiding disappointment.

Wednesday afternoon

3:49pm in the office, Wednesday afternoon. I am busy at work figuring out schedules, contracts and payroll. I don’t mind being busy. I tend to overthink existential issues with too much downtime. My mom’s flight from Salt Lake City arrived early this afternoon. The airport is only 12 minutes from my office so I went down and picked her up. It was nice to see her again. I haven’t seen my mom since March back when she lived with me in California. We didn’t have much time to talk. As soon as we got to the car my assistant texted me. The regional team came into the office unannounced. I quickly took my mom to the apartment and rushed back to the office to meet with everyone but they had already left to go to other offices up north. They seemed thankful to get a head start so it all worked out.

November 17

11:03am, in my office, Phoenix, Wednesday morning. My mom arrives today. She is flying in from Salt Lake City. Her flight is boarding at this very moment. She gets in shortly after 1pm. I will pick her up at the airport, drop her off at the apartment then return to work. Today is also my brothers birthday. He would have been 52. The next two weeks will be nice to have company and to see my mom again.

The beach

4:28pm Dana Point, Saturday afternoon. I got out of Phoenix shortly after 4am and made it to Dana Point around 9:30am with the time change. My daughter has a friend who plays volleyball so she wanted to play a little when I arrived. After playing volleyball we headed down the path south of the apartment and went to the beach. I tried boogie boarding for the first time. Then the girls wanted to play more volleyball ball. Now we are back home relaxing a bit before heading out to run errands. So far it has been a good day.

beach plan

6:16pm Friday night, Arizona. Another punchy feeling day. I didn’t eat all day yesterday. When I finally had dinner last night it made me feel sick. I haven’t shaken that sensation yet so as I went to meetings around town my patience was short. Tomorrow I am taking my daughter and a friend to the beach along with the other dad. I hope I feel better by then. It has been a while since I have gone to the beach. It will be nice to be social and feel the waves again.

A friend

(I wrote this two weeks ago. Something happened with an editing error. Either I am reposting this after inadvertently unposting it or it is a duplicate) 6pm, the apartment, Arizona, Thursday evening. I am sad tonight. One of my daughters former classmates lost her dad over the weekend. I just read his obituary. It is hard to believe he is gone. I had no idea he was even sick (or that he was two years older then me). We did many activities at school together. He seemed so young, healthy and happy. My wife saw him not too long ago and said he was in failing health. Apparently he had a heart condition that couldn’t be treated. I just can’t fathom he died. He was so kind, patient and sincere. A loving father and a good man.

Wednesday night

7:39pm, apartment, Arizona, Wednesday evening. I have felt off all day. Edgy. Punchy. No particular reason, I just woke up that way. The in-laws plan for thanksgiving changed. We are not going to Lompoc. Which isn’t bad because that was a longer drive. Now I have to find a hotel in Dana Point for my mom. I will call her tomorrow and see what she wants to do. The hotels by the water are run down but have great views. Farther inland the places are nicer.

Time and Place

6:08am apartment Friday morning, Arizona. When I was in utah I was wedded to that place. My body pulsated with power. I was invigorated by the energy, the sites, the feeling of existing in a perfect moment. In utah my job completely defined me. I was the unaffiliated Hospice chaplain from wyoming and I was proud. That feeling came to an end January, 2008. the job ended in 2009. I left utah in 2012. To this day my heart and soul still belong to that time, that place, that job. Now, I have been in exile one way or another for almost 14 years. I still pine for that place, that job, that time but I don’t feel the pull to go back to utah as strongly as I once did. So much time has passed and there is no hope to see the WIL. I guess Orange County is home now but it isn’t the same, it isn’t ethereal like utah. Maybe it will be someday. After all, I despised high school but when I graduated I missed the time and place terribly. Maybe when I look back at Orange County I will realize it is the place I am supposed to be all along. We will see. I guess nothing will ever be utah again. If that is the case at least I got to feel that great one time in my life.

Loss

9:33am Monday morning, Arizona, in the office. The WIL’s aunt passed away over the weekend. Her obituary was in the local Utah paper. I want to say something, tell her I am sorry, but I won’t. It isn’t my place to disrupt the separation she seems to want. It has been two years since we saw each other, over a year and a half since we spoke. I thought time would make things easier, but that isn’t the case at all. The loss feels more severe every moment I realize she is gone forever. I shouldn’t complain. Others are worse off. We all deal with loss; loss of health, loved ones, eventually our very lives. But today hurts more than usual.