Category: the WIL

Last voicemail

5:43am Tuesday morning. Sitting on my couch. Chandler. For a while the voicemail feature on my phone was not working properly. I could call and check messages but I could not see the history. I didn’t know how many messages I had or how far back they went. Not too long ago the feature started working again. I could see the messages. So I scrolled down and realized I had the last voicemail from the WIL. She left it for me almost a year and a half ago, the day after her husband found out about us. I have known it is there for a couple of weeks but I chose not to listen to it. The thought of hearing her voice and reliving the moment felt traumatic. However this morning a thought nagged at me. Was she waiting for me to contact her? Was she sad and confused I haven’t reached out? I had mulled this over many times in the last year and a half and always came to the conclusion it is not my place to take the imitative. When my wife found out about us it was up to me to make sure the coast was clear and we could at least talk. Still I wanted to be absolutely sure there was no question I should wait to hear from her first. I decided to risk the emotional pain and listen to the voicemail. I put the voicemail on play and heard her voice. She explained how the situation was fraught. That there was a “mirroring” app on her phone, a gps on her car. That she had to get tested for std’s and was going to be excommunicated from her church. . The message went on for almost two minutes. Finally she said good bye. it was the last time I ever heard from her. The next day she tried to call me when I was in a meeting. She didn’t leave a voicemail but texted me and asked if I could talk. I said “yes.” She never replied to that text or tried calling again. It has been over 500 days now. I realize She is gone. That I will probably never talk to her again. But the fire is never totally extinguished. So many years so many memories. Hopes, dreams, feelings came to end with a frantic last goodbye. “I promise I will contact you as soon as I can but please don’t text or call my phone because he will know and it just makes things really bad so…okay…I love you…Bye.”

Highlights negative

12:56pm the worst thing about the ending of the relationship with the WIL is how it highlights the negative. There was so much happiness and beauty. For years she filled me with absolute joy. the highest highs of my life are memories of her. Not even close. But now all I can feel is sadness. Remember the pulling away. The silence. I know the beauty still existed. But the painful loss has overcome my ability to recall it easily

The last time

12:35pm the last time the WIL and I were physically together she asked me if I had been with someone else. She asked out of curiosity. Not anger not accusing. That she would ask me broke my heart. I interpreted it that she wanted to confess she had been with someone and wanted to feel better thinking I had as well. The truth is I had been with a couple of other people at that time. Nothing serious. A couple of random hook ups. But I said no. I professed my purity. It sounded fake even to me. But I couldn’t have that conversation with her. Even though my body had been with someone else my heart and soul had not. That is still the case two years later. It is frustrating. I accept the WIL is gone. I accept she has moved on. I want to move on but still feel twisted up. I can’t be intimate, I can’t date because that emotional connection is still with her. I feel like I gave her a gift I can’t get back. And though she doesn’t care for it and I need it she still keeps it. She hasn’t felt the need to reach out to me for physical or emotional comfort in over a year. I just want to let go like she has so I can reclaim my life. No hard feelings.

Office

12:24pm Monday afternoon. I just finished lunch. I have the same thing for lunch everyday. I have some crackers, peanuts and a piece of cheese. Most of the time I have some beef jerky but not always. I am in my office with the door open. I almost always leave it open. Sometimes I close it for privacy like when I want to put my feet up on my desk or lay down in the floor. It isn’t that I am secretive. I just don’t want to be seen with my feet in the desk or lying on the floor. Today has been a weird day thinking about the WIL. It is a rare day where I remember how frustrating things were with her at the end. Over the course of our relationship we would have arguments. Sometimes we would get pretty heated. . Always by text mind you. Or over the phone. Though we could get mad we were both passionate and committed. No matter how angry we got we both hurt. Nothing felt right until we resolved the issues. Then a couple of years ago she started pulling away. She would push my buttons, I would get passionate in an argument but she wouldn’t engage. She would just disappear for days/weeks on end. No matter how much I asked her to talk to me she would be silent. It was so painful. I had all the love, fear and desire roiling through me and she just was a ghost. She was like that a lot towards the end. I keep thinking of a million reasons why. Was she busy? Did she not care for me? Did she find someone else? No matter the answer the result was painful. I am remembering that today and actually glad we don’t talk.

Songs from the ride home

5:47pm, reclining on my couch in chandler. On the ride home from Orange County three songs reminded me of the WIL and Utah. “…a little voice inside my head said, ‘don’t look back, you can never look back.’” Boys of summer, Don Henley. “All I do is miss you and the way we used to be…” Romeo and Juliet, Dire Straights. “Good bye to all my friends at home, goodbye to people I’ve trusted. I got to go out and make my way I might get rich, you know, I might get busted.” Jet Airliner, Steve Miller Band.

Affirmation

3:40pm to be loved by the WIL was to be affirmed. All I cared about was her opinion. If she loved me I was doing it right. Whatever “it” was. Now I am no longer part of her life. That energy no longer exists for me. To be outside that energy after feeling it for so many years leaves my soul empty.

The WIL

8:49pm sometimes I marvel how I was ever worthy to be the WIL’s. The farther removed from our time together the less I feel worthy of her. I don’t think I could even speak if I saw her. She moved on without me and I can’t stop thinking about her. She kicked my ass. I can’t believe there was a time she loved me as insanely as I love her.

Rain and the WIL

10:55am it has been rainy and overcast all morning. Nice to have cooler temperatures. I have been thinking about the WIL. It breaks my heart to call her that and not say her name. I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. Yet I can’t stop thinking about her. Love, intimacy, sex. Those things are meaningless without her. If I try to experience them all I feel is sadness.

In my head

12:24pm do I care about anything other than what is happening inside my head? I am the most self-absorbed person in the world. Not egotistical, just inward focused. Take the WIL for example. I have written about her, thought about her many times. She exists in my mind a certain way. But I haven’t seen her in over a year and a half. At work I have all these plans to grow census but I seldom interact with the people who could give me business. I am delusional. I believe what I do and say in my mind is real. Yet it doesn’t translate to real world interactions. I have no relationship with the woman I love and with the people that could give me success. No wonder I am losing my mind.