6:17pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Thursday evening, January 26, 2023. Today is my nephew’s 31st birthday. That’s significant because twenty years ago, when I turned 31, we lived close to his family in Valencia. In between jobs, I spent afternoons hanging out with him, doing homework, shooting hoops, and shuttling him to various activities. I look back fondly on those weeks. It was a rare opportunity, before full adulthood, to be carefree and spend quality time with a relative I might otherwise not have known. It was also that age, when shortly thereafter, I took the Utah hospice chaplain job. I consider that period the happiest of my life. Realizing he is now the same age brings back good memories. He’s been through a rough couple of years lately. For the occasion of his birthday, I hope he finds his “Utah” soon. And gets to enjoy a little happiness in his life as well.
Category: Spirituality
January 17, 2023
6:18pm, pacific standard time, hotel in Palm Desert, California, USA, Tuesday evening, January 17, 2023. My time in Palm Desert could be winding down. A potential candidate is visiting the site next week. I will show her around and go over job duties. If things go well she could be in place by the end of February. That means I would be on to my next assignment, location to be determined. There are a few open positions but, it sounds like they have strong applicants as well. I am not too worried. I am sure there is a need for me somewhere. On a side note; my ordination into Christian ministry was 24 years ago today. Hard to believe I ever lived that life. So much has changed in the past two decades.
Some answers will never be known
11:37am, pacific standard time, Santa Ana/Orange County/John Wayne Airport, Santa Ana, California, USA, Monday morning, October 17, 2022. Waiting for my flight to Oakland. It was a good weekend in Orange County. Since learning of my new assignment in Palm Desert I have felt at peace. The future, present and past are in balance, which feels nice. Today is the 16 year anniversary of my dad’s death. Lots of memories of him and where I was sixteen years ago. I was working as a hospice chaplain in Ogden, Utah. When we heard the news we gathered in Wyoming the rest of the week and had the memorial service on the 20th. I miss him and wonder who I would be if he hadn’t died at the age of 65. I guess some answers will never be known.
I am a calming influence
6:34pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday evening, July 21, 2022. A couple of weeks ago I wrote two questions on an index card; who am I? And, What do I want? The idea came from listening to a speech on finding purpose in life. The speaker noted we often limit thinking about our path in life to narrow parameters, without fully exploring what we want. In order to find purpose we must first find our identity. I wrote the questions with a thick marker and placed the card in the console of my car. I could see it as I drove and reflected on the questions but couldn’t articulate an answer until now. Here it is; I am a calming influence in the world and I want to share that with others. I have known that since I worked as a chaplain and now I have reclaimed it. No matter what I do going forward that will always be my guiding energy.
Our Lady of the Holy Trinity
4:56pm, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Saturday evening, July 9, 2022. I was excited was to see the conservation easement on the monastery land in Huntsville, Utah has been finalized. I have written about Our Lady of the Holy Trinity Trappist Monastery a couple of times. It is such a sacred place for so many people in the area I grew up (Southwest Wyoming/Northern Utah). Though the monks are no longer there (except for those in the cemetery) the powerful energy they created remains to this day.
Chaplain interview
3:92pm, pacific standard time, neighborhood park, Chandler, Arizona, USA, Thursday afternoon, May 19, 2022. Had a good talk with the board liaison for Chaplain endorsement. They will make their final decision on my candidacy tomorrow. I suspect nothing will hold it up,I meet all the requirements and their process is not stringent. Once that is in place I will have all the qualifications to pursue chaplain work again. Presenting as a spiritual candidate is vastly different than interviewing to be a director. I need to keep that in mind as the next few weeks unfold.
A moment of balance
5:40am, pacific standard time, apartment in Chandler, Arizona, USA, Monday morning, May 2, 2022. The trip with my mom from Henderson, Nevada to Chandler was more taxing than anticipated yesterday. We got in around 1pm, rested, then got dinner and watched a movie. All things considered, it was a good day. Right now I am enjoying a moment of balance; life is not overwhelmingly great but, many aspects feel calm. I can bear my job, I am at peace with my relationships, I appreciate the place I live, I accept my past and look forward to a bright future.
Not perfect, but proud anyway
8:11pm, lying in bed, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Tuesday night, April 6, 2022. Not everything we create is valuable. Most of the time it is to us, less frequently to a few others, and, on rare occasions, a vast audience. There is nothing wrong with missing the mark on occasion, sometimes things just don’t click. Yet, the very act of creating serves a valuable purpose; namely, cleansing the soul. I have written a few clunkers over the past year. That used to bother me. I wanted everything I wrote to be recognized and praised. But, now I know obtaining perfection every time is not possible, nor does it matter. Rather, the most important thing is partaking in act of creating itself. I am proud of who I have become this past year. Not because of the occasional post I believe is “good,” but, rather the fact that I wake up everyday and put something I made out into the universe. I am not perfect but, I am proud of who I am and what I do.
I miss who I once was
There was a time, many years ago, back when we lived in Utah, that my energy was entirely peaceful. That was a conscious choice and something I diligently strived to achieve. You see, as a hospice chaplain I entered hundreds of homes where patients and families dealt with the final stages of terminal illness. They did not need gregarious, over the top energy, they needed calm. It was important to convey a quiet presence when I entered a families sacred space. Therefore, I would spend hours training myself to be still; closing my eyes, slowing my breathing and repeating the mantra, “Relax, don’t worry, everything will be alright.” That was so many years ago. Now it is hard to believe that is who I used to be. These days stress is ever present, sucking my soul dry and grinding down my will to live. I can’t relax, I don’t enjoy what I do and I certainly don’t provide peace to those I meet. The man I cherished being has been lost to a swath of hazy memories. We are born to die, and losing our innocence is part of the bargain. I accept my fate but, oh how I wish I could go back. I miss who I once was, and never will be again.
A chaplain again
11:33am, apartment, Chandler, Arizona, Sunday morning, March 13, 2022. In December of last year, I wrote about almost having to go out as a chaplain for work. In that instance one of the other spiritual counselors ended up taking call. However, since that time, our support services on-call rotation was disbanded. That meant when a patient died and the family requested spiritual care this morning, it was I who went out. The patient lived 50 miles north of me so by the time I got there the family had left, but I provided support to the community staff and offered prayer over the patients body until the mortuary arrived. The experience was profound for me. I need to get back to who I truly am.
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